"one day, all children. . ."

it's been a long time coming, but we made it.

2010-05-30T08:02:00.000-07:00

the students who put me on the highway to crazytown as tenth graders during my first year of teaching are now putting the finishing touches on their last days of high school. they are soooooo ready to to graduate from high school, and partially because of that, i was dropped right back into the fast lane headed toward insanity during the past semester. honestly, i went in and out of my dark place quite a few times this semester because of the ongoing struggles i've had with a couple of my students. but now that i am able to look back on the semester as a whole... i'm pretty pleased with how things turned out.

i made a major transition in my teaching career in january - i switched from being a special education resource/inclusion teacher to a general education english teacher. it's been an extremely valuable and eye opening experience for me. as an inclusion teacher, i was usually responsible for upholding and enforcing the instructional and classroom management expectations of the general education teacher. i fit myself in wherever i was allowed. some co-teachers gave me more freedom than others. so co-teachers were better to work with than others. some co-teachers made me want to pull all of my hair out more than others... but all in all, i suppose it was a good experience for me to ease my way into the classroom and to give additional support to the students who needed it. it was difficult for me to change gears, especially in the midst of a the school year, but i was pretty happy to make the switch. during the past semester, i have had complete control over everything that has gone on in my classroom, for better and for worse.

i can still honestly say that i've never broken down in front of my students when presented with serious shenanigans. this semester though, i came pretty freakin' close. i made a pact with myself that i would deal with all problems in my classroom internally, provided they weren't life-and-death-serious situations, of course. i have talked a big game over the past couple years and i wanted to be able to back it up by being someone who could handle the every day issues that take place within the classroom by setting high expectations and enforcing them consistently. i didn't want to become one of those teachers who writes a disciplinary referral over every little thing and make the administration regret the decision they made to put me in charge of a group of students who needed a strong instructional leader. i can't lie, i also kind of lost faith in the system when a student threatened to punch me in the face, and was completely serious about it, and then was back in my class the next day. anyway... things didn't always go exactly as planned. there are so many instances where i know i could have done better. i know that those particular instances were the cause of the majority of my headaches and that i brought a lot of my problems upon myself because i failed to be as consistent as i should have been, or to motivate my students as much as i should have, or to have set and enforced high enough expectations. when i talked all of this out with my mother she asked me, "well lindsey, did anyone die because of what you did or did not do?" no, no one died. we all came out of this semester relatively unscathed."did your students learn?" yes, they definitely did. "well lindsey," she said, "then i think you can claim at least some success." as usual, thank you, mom.

according to my records, all of my classes exceeded our goal of mastering 80% or more of the tested state standards. at least 80% of my students scored a 3 or 4 on the necessary portions of their graduation projects. each and every student has made growth towards being more proficient/advanced readers and writers. i'm extremely proud of all of my students achievements. honestly, i'm proud of myself too.

a good number of my colleagues are known complain about the students who they teach. they're stuck with those kids who have behavior problems and are low performers. they blame the students for their consistently low achievement and poor behavior, and they blame their parents for letting them be the way they are. they blame the administration for scheduling them all together in one class. in a training about the new method of evaluating teacher performance the other day, one of my colleagues said something to the effect of, "you mean to tell me that i am responsible for the way students act in my classroom?!" ummm, yeah, i'd say so. first of all, you shouldn't bother to complain about things that are out of your control. someone else makes the schedule and we as teachers must deal with it. we all do it, but it's pointless. end of story. second of all, as the instructional leaders, we set the tone. if we put in the time and effort to be consistent with our expectations of student achievement and behavior, students will in fact rise to the occasion. third, in so many instances, unfortunately, our students were not explicitly taught how to act in various situations and so in those moments we must rise to the occasion and set an example in order to show students how to act. is it a huge investment of ourselves as teachers? yes, absolutely. and is it completely and totally worthwhile as a member of a school and global community? oh my good god, yes!

as this school year comes to a close, it is of course a definite relief to me that i will no longer have to see a select few students on a daily basis. once again, i know it's my own fault that it came to this... all the same, PHEW! but instead of concentrating on any of the negativity i am left with at the end of the 2009-2010 school year, i'd much rather focus on the positive.

on this past friday, my school held our annual senior awards ceremony. as one of the senior english teacher, i was presented with the great task of deciding who would be recognized for their achievement in english. there are so many students who i would like to give awards to, but i could only pick 3. ugh. i decided that i wanted to give awards to students who probably wouldn't receive them otherwise. i know how hard it is to sit through an awards ceremony hearing the same names over and over, and never getting the opportunity to receive anything. it sucks. i wanted to try to remedy that just a little bit for a few students. the first student i chose was one of my students from first semester who blew his classmates away with his presentation skills. he's got an inherent gift to organize and articulate his thoughts and to then present them in front of a group. the second student i chose was also one of my students from first semester, and is a student who came to class with a positive attitude every day and worked her butt off to improve her writing. she has amazing ideas and creativity and has improved so much in expressing them in a written format. the third student i chose is the one i am most proud of. this student comes with a serious disclaimer. other teachers might disagree with my choice because of negative interactions they've had with this student. this student can be mouthy and obnoxious at times, but deep down i know she's really a good kid. she just literally doesn't have the coping mechanisms to deal with her own emotions. she struggles to contain herself. i can't imagine how hard that must be. in the end though, she has come so far and has made so much progress in regard to her behavior and her academics. i have taught her for three years and i have seen that progress firsthand. this student hasn't received all that much positive attention in her life. she also hasn't had it all that easy in her eighteen years. i wanted to take this opportunity to recognize her strengths in front of her peers in a positive way. she received the "most improved" award for english. her smile when she came up to receive the award made it all worthwhile.

i recently realized that i have been in school for more than twenty years - over two decades. it frightens me that i am old enough to actually say that. good or bad, i know that i'm still not done. i have another year until i finish my masters degree and then i'll eventually go back to school for my PhD, probably in urban education. during the past three years, i have figured out that my love for learning stems from the fact that i am good at it. i know how to be a good student and thrive on academic success. a lot of my students don't share this innate love of mine, and that is likely because they do not necessarily know how to learn and/or experience that much academic success. i know i can't change that for all students, but i'm trying really hard to change it for some. i try to plan engaging lessons that make the information easy to understand and fun to interact with. it's really hard to do that every day, and i can't say that i'm always successfull... but i'm trying.

one of my students wrote this about me in his senior book, "Ms. Quick, I know that our class wasn't always your favorite because we weren't always good, but no matter what you came back every day and made us learn important things that will help us in the future. I earned the highest grades on tests of my entire high school career in your class because you pushed me to do that. Thank you." that may just be one student, but it's a start.

Make College Pay Off: The #1 School of Education in the United States

2009-09-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

Make College Pay Off: The #1 School of Education in the United States

when you come to a fork in the road, take it.

2009-06-22T16:10:00.000-07:00

my two-year commitment to teach for america has come to an end. over. finished. done-zo. most of the people who are in my shoes realized that they were at a major crossroads in their lives months ago, and planned accordingly. as i write, they are packing boxes, driving cross-country in u-hauls, coming to terms with becoming students again themselves or starting new jobs. and here i am... still in charlotte... still planning to teach in my original TFA placement school... coming to terms with the fact that the majority of my social circle and support structure has up and left me. jerkfaces.

it's not that i don't want to continue to teach. i do. there's nothing else in the world that i'd rather be doing. my students, especially my seniors, confirmed this for me. i think i'm just feeling left behind. based on the brainwashing i have endured over the past 2+ years, TFA corps members are probably supposed to move on and up in order to effect change on a broader scale than in the classroom. a lot of my colleagues are doing just that. i'm not. in addition, the moment my seniors graduated it became more than likely that i will never see some of them again. hopefully they also will go on to do bigger and better things. i'll still be at berry, pushing and prodding my students to do their best. am i ashamed to be left behind? sad yes, but ashamed? never.

at the end of the school year, i came to realize the impact i had on my students personally, and maybe more importantly and permanently, the impact they had on me. on the last day of classes, my co-teacher and i stood in front of the class attempting to say our goodbyes. our fourth block class, full of seniors, had checked out long ago and wasn't entirely producing the response we wanted or expected. we both kind of gave up. i felt myself getting all choked up and had to move to the back of the room to compose myself. needless to say, i couldn't. i was overcome with pride and disappointment, joy and grief all at the same time. as soon as the tears started to fall, one of my students came over to give me a hug and realized what was going on. "ms. quick, are you crying? yo everybody, ms. quick is crying!" at that point, the class crowded around and gave me a group hug to try and make me feel better. it made me cry even more, but i appreciated the sentiment more than they will ever know.

because i wasn't able to say everything i would have liked to in those closing moments, i wrote the following letter to the class in order to express my love and admiration for them:

To my favorite students,

I didn't get the chance to say everything I wanted to yesterday, and since I might not see you today, I wanted to make sure I shared my thoughts with you before it was too late. It's probably better this way since I'm terrible at emotional goodbyes, and this is obviously an emotional goodbye for me, so here goes...

As I've already told all of you, I am so proud of everything you have accomplished over the past semester. Despite your numerical grade in this class, you and I both know how hard you have worked. You are not defined by the grade you earn on this final exam. You are defined by the effort you put forth throughout the semester and the amazing character you have shown. Even still, you should try your hardest this morning in order to show the world how smart you are and how hard you've worked.

I feel so honored to have been able to play a part in your successes, as well as your struggles. We all have some days that are better or worse than others, but we have gotten through them together this semester. I believe this is a testament to the bonds we've built. I've been thinking a lot about family lately, and I realized that you all are my family. I've spent more time with you in the past two years than I have spent with my own family in the past six years. I don't regret a moment of it.

You mean the world to me. Ms. Shadyac and I have invested a lot of time and energy into helping you in any way we can because you are worth it. You will always be worth my time and energy, and I hope you know that. In the future, please let me know when and how I can help you. I will be there at the drop of a hat.

Finally, thank you. Thank you for being your amazing, impressive and fabulous selves. Thank you for welcoming me into your hearts and minds. Thank you for letting us push you almost to your breaking points, and thank you for trusting that we knew what was best and that we had your best interests at heart.

With all my heart, I congratulate you on your accomplishments. I'll see you on the 12th!

Much love,
Ms. Lindsey Quick

i am so completely and utterly proud of those students. i know how hard most of them have worked in order to make it to their high school graduation. these are the students who helped me feel welcome and comfortable at berry academy during my first year of teaching. i am forever indebted to them. i also have to say, that i am proud of myself. first of all, this was the first emotional display i succumbed to in the past two years, and it wasn't something i was embarrassed by. i also know that i have worked harder in order to ensure the success of these students than i ever worked in order to ensure my own. i'm not attempting to be self-righteous, describing the sacrifices i've made for my students. i'm simply trying to say that i've come a long way in the past six years. i used to be entirely self-centered, motivated only by the potential for my own successes. my initial interest in teach for america only came about because of the prestige involved with being accepted. i don't even know that person any more. that's what i'm proud of.

at the end of my two-year commitment to teaching in one of the country's most under-served communities, i have come to a crossroads. i could return to school and pursue a professional degree. i could look for a more glamorous job in the private or public sector. i will do neither of those things. i will continue to teach because educational inequality is not a problem that can be solved in two years. i know that i cannot solve this problem alone, but i also know that i need to keep working to make a difference in the lives of students, and working on being a better person, until i am no longer useful at either of those things. i came to that proverbial fork in the road, and i decided to take it.

i, too, have a dream.

2009-01-19T15:43:00.000-08:00

today is monday, january 19, 2009. today is recognized as martin luther king, jr. day. today is also the eve of the inauguration of the 44th president of the united states of america, mr. barack obama. yesterday there was a concert at the lincoln memorial in celebration of the president-elect. at that same memorial, martin luther king, jr. delivered one of the most famous speeches in american history in order to bring further recognition to the civil rights movement. on the days leading up to yesterday's concert, mr. obama journeyed across the heartland of america on a train just as abraham lincoln had before his own inauguration as president. i find myself feeling full of emotion as i sit here thinking about the symbolism involved in all of these events. i have to wonder if martin luther king, jr. ever imagined that tomorrow's inauguration would ever, could ever, take place.

on august 28, 1963, standing on the steps of the lincoln memorial, dr. martin luther king, jr. said:

"Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition."

it cannot be said today that african americans are now free from the chains of discrimination, but the fact that yesterday, forty years, four months and twenty-one days later, barack obama sat on the steps of the lincoln memorial (albeit surrounded by bullet proof glass) listening to bruce springsteen urging the american public to "come on up for the rising" speaks volumes about what our society is capable of. we are capable of judging people based on their own merit, rather than the color of their skin. we are capable of coming together to celebrate our similarities, rather than falling apart because of our differences. we are capable of putting aside our individual interests for the greater good, rather than dwelling in greed. we are capable of so much more than what we have demonstrated as a people over time, and i have hope that some day we will attain that.

during the presidential campaign, i suppose i realized the true significance of the impending election. whether it is because of the career i have chosen, or the community i work in, or my age, or a variety of other factors, i suppose i understood how important it was for barack obama to win this election. my personal feelings about the other candidate and his runningmate aside, i thought that the election of mr. barack obama needed to happen because it would start to reveal our potential. i also thought about how important it was to my students that barack obama win this election.

now i preface this by saying i'm just a suburban white girl, but i hope i have gained some insight into the hearts and minds of my students as well as a slight understanding of the culture they come from. while i was home for the winter break, i tried to explain my job to someone who had grown up in the same almost-all-white town as me. he couldn't help but question why my students achieved at such a low level, and blame them and their parents for it, and wonder why they didn't want to go to college and be successful. i tried to explain. most of my students and their families are struggling to just get by. their parents don't have college degrees, and neither do their parents' parents, or their aunts and uncles, or their neighbors. they weren't raised to know how to take school seriously, or why it is important to do well academically. that is not the life as they know it where they come from, as it was for us. whereas i grew up looking up to my grandfather, who put himself through college and graduated with honors from syracuse university to go on to become very successful, they don't have people that close to them who have been successful. quite honestly, within their own communities, they don't have that many people who look like they do who have been successful. so they turn to pro athletes and hip hop moguls to be their role models. but now, someone who looks like them, who grew up in a single-parent household and was raised by his grandparents, is going to be the president of the united states of america. i hope that this is as significant to my students as it is to me.

if i were to write a letter to president-elect barack obama, this is what it would say:

Dear Mr. Obama,

Above all else, I would like to thank you for being elected as President of the United States of America. I say that before I say congratulations because, as you have stated so many times during your campaign for the presidency, this election is not necessarily about you. It is about the hope that has been cultivated in the hearts and minds of American citizens all over our great country. It is about the droves of people who came out to the polls, some for the first time, because they truly believe that this time their voice would be heard. And it is also about the young people whom I work with every day who can now believe that anything truly is possible through hard work and dedication.

I teach in an urban high school in Charlotte, North Carolina. My students are primarily African American boys. If even for one moment they have considered becoming a lawyer, or a politician, or a community activist, or even just a college student, instead of becoming a professional basketball player or a rap star, you have been successful. Your purpose in running for president might have been to bring change to America overall rather than to change the mindsets of young, black men, but I think it is a positive side effect nonetheless, don't you?

Your energy and spirit have awakened many people to politics who were otherwise disinterested or disenfranchised. However your tenure as our nation's president may turn out, you have already done so much for the people of this country. For that, I thank you.

And finally, I would like to congratulate you on your victory as President of the United States of America. Please do not let my students down.

Sincerely,
Lindsey R. Quick

somewhat like dr. martin luther king, jr., i also have a dream. i have a dream that one day, my students will realize their potential. i have a dream that one day, my students and all students will have the opportunity to be successful beyond measure. i have a dream, that one day, all children will have the opportunity to attain an excellent education. i hope that it will not be another forty years or more before that can come true.

are we there yet?

2008-12-11T15:32:00.000-08:00

there are only six teaching days left until winter break. six. too many to count on one hand, but still in the single digits. good deal. at this time last year, i had almost reached my breaking point mentally and physically. kicking and screaming and crying all the way, i returned to charlotte after thanksgiving to continue teaching for four more weeks until winter break. this year, the return to charlotte was much less painful. maybe it was because i'm more mature, or more comfortable with my life in charlotte, or the distance between my family and myself. maybe it's because there were only three weeks between that break, and our christmas break. either way, i was pretty proud of myself. when i returned to charlotte, i realized that i was not the only one counting down to our next vacation. as it turns out, so was every other teacher and every single student. teachers were ready to power through those three weeks, but students were ready to snooze through them. quite the dilemma.

a lot has happened in the past few months. i've taken over my first period class because my co-teacher has gone m.i.a. on medical leave. i have been verbally threatened by one of my students. i've been cursed out on several occasions. five or more students have been suspended from school because of their actions in one of my classes. i even made a kid cry. despite all of this, i don't feel all that bad. one of the greatest lessons i have learned thus far is to not take things students do personally. it's a very liberating philosophy. it does not entirely vindicate me of my professional responsibilities, of course. i still hold myself accountable for quality instruction and follow-up with my students. but their actions, or lack of actions, do not dictate my reaction.

many times i have hear the saying, "you can't let them see you sweat." it's so very true. students are psychological geniuses. maybe they're not always so hot on vocabulary quizzes, but they sure can figure out how to push their teachers' buttons. teaching is a perfect example of survival of the fittest - only the strong survive. and they survive by adapting to their environments. more specifically, they learn lessons the hard way and then know what not to do the next time around. last year, i would get frazzled in front of my students, and they would immediately pounce. this year, i wait quietly by until their finished acting foolish. i'm sure some day i'll actually figure out how to avoid the foolishness altogether, but we're talking baby steps here. i try not to raise my voice. i try not to become visibly frustrated or annoyed. i don't take failures to comply with academic or behavioral policies to heart. i just become disappointed. i'm disappointed my students don't always do the right thing, but i'll live and we'll move on to the next objective. disappointment is an emotion that i can wear outwardly without giving anything away that's going on inwardly. in addition, i know that in my own life, disappointment has been my greatest fear. i've always tried to stay on the straight and narrow because i didn't want to disappoint my mother. i don't know if it translates to my students' lives, but i'm hoping so.

the professional organization that i am affiliated with often talks about 'locus of control' - teacher actions dictate student actions. i'm sorry, but i don't see how my actions dictated a student telling me he would 'bust me in my grill.' i don't see how my actions caused one of my students to have 25 absences from my class this semester. i don't see how my actions invite kids to maintain a 34% average in my class. i can see how my lax attendance policy allows kids to come in late sometimes first period, and how my acceptance of late work for partial credit permits students to wait until the last minute to turn in assignments occasionally... but 23 absences? a 34% average? you have to TRY to do those things. those students are serious in their intent to fail, and who am i to stop them? my sarcasm doesn't demonstrate how often i've tried to turn things around for my students who fall into these categories - how many phone calls i've made to parents/guardians, how many make-up assignments i've sent home, how many one-on-one conversations i've had with my students, how many times i've told them how much i care about them and want them to achieve. i want ALL of my students to achieve, even if they want to bust me in my grill sometimes. i'm just not going to take responsibility for 100% of the battle. 50%, maybe even 75%, sure. but not the whole thing. if i do that, what lesson does it teach my students?

i also advise two extracurricular student organizations. this attitude applies outside of the classroom. i am the advisor for the relay for life club. relay for life is the american cancer society's signature event in order to raise money and community awareness for cancer research and the support of cancer patients and their families. this organization is extremely important to me. my grandmother died of pancreatic cancer, one of the deadliest forms of the disease. i am serious in my intent to raise money for this organization in order to help find a cure for cancer. the students i advise are not as serious. the club is more social than anything, and i can tell you that as of right now, we've accomplished next to nothing. the same can be said for the other student organization i co-advise with another teacher. lack of interest and effort on the behalf of the students is causing these organizations to not take off as they could, or even should. as much as i want to spearhead the efforts of both organizations in order to get things done, and do good things for the community, i have to take a step back. these are STUDENT organizations. they should be held accountable for their progress, or the lack thereof. there's no point in getting angry - the students aren't doing anything on purpose in this case. it's just disappointing. but once again, i'm going to wait it out. eventually everyone comes around, right? at least that's what i'll keep telling myself.

"...and that has made all the difference."

2008-09-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

lately i've been trying to think back to exactly one year ago, and all i can do is sigh with relief that i have come so incredibly far in one year's time. i had the opportunity to sit down with a few co-workers today, including the assistant principal of instruction of my school, and discuss what it means to be an effective teacher. i can go on and on about how an effective teacher can deliver clear and concise instruction, can facilitate group practice, can encourage deep discussions and critical thinking, can engage every student in the classroom, can coerce every student into participating, can manage classroom behavior seamlessly... i could discuss those things all day. despite the fact that i have made progress as a teacher in leaps and bounds in the past year, i have not yet mastered all of the tricks of the trade. i have a looooong way to go. i have managed to engage students in course curriculum, as well as analytical discussions, but not every day. i have made gains in tracking my students' progress, but still don't have a system that works for me 100% of the time. i have re-directed and re-directed and re-directed students to keep them on track, and managed to calm a classroom of 30 students with just a fierce look, but this is still not foolproof. i am content because i can do everything better than i did at this time last year, but i am frustrated because i can still not do it perfectly. i am told that there is no "perfectly" when it comes to teaching, but i won't believe that until i am forced to.

in this same group, we also discussed our own experiences in the classroom. everything that we were discussing - effective instruction, student investment, classroom management - kept coming back to building relationships with the individual students. even last year, when i was clueless about everything else, i knew that this would make or break me as a teacher. my (in)ability to relate to my students and gain their trust would determine my, and their, success in the classroom. in order to do this, a teacher must give of themselves. a teacher has to be willing to share a part of himself with the students in order to legitimately expect them to do the same thing. how can i expect my students to write personal poems about where they're from, or memoirs about a poignant moment in their lives, if i cannot share some of my own struggles and triumphs? i can't, and that's just it. many teachers build a wall around themselves in order to keep their professional and personal lives separate, but i can't do that. my personal and professional lives are inextricably intertwined - and not just because the vast majority of my friends these days are also my co-workers and fellow teachers. when it comes down to it, i moved to charlotte in order to start my career in making a difference in the lives of children in a school setting. i think it only makes sense that i continue to focus on that as the central part of my existence here, and then build outward.

my overall attitude towards building these relationships has shifted slightly, though. i am still all about relating to my students on a personal level, and investing them in me in order to invest them in the class... but i am no longer about allowing them to walk all over me and act like crazy people. i feel a million times more confident in front of the classroom, and this is compounded by the fact that i have developed a reputation amongst the students at my school. even the tenth graders who i am teaching this year, who i did not know as ninth graders last year, had at least heard of me. and they had heard good things, which is even better! in one of my classes, i am co-teaching with a first year teacher. i see so much of myself last year in her - the eager-to-please attitude, the letting the kids push you just a little bit further mentality. as much as i feel for her, i want her to go through that process of figuring out where to draw the line. it's more gratifying that way. and in the meantime, it's gratifying for me because i get to be the heavy this year. i get to be the mean one, which is soooo fun! i'm not truly mean, of course, i don't know that i ever could be. but i am much more strict and forthright when it comes to giving directions in regard to behavior. it feels good to have students straighten up and act right just because i tell them to do so.

when it comes down to it, i made the choice to take 'the road less traveled,' if you will. many of my friends from high school and college found jobs that allow them to go out on week nights til all hours and continue to drink like fishes and leave their work on their desks when they leave for the day. the job i have dictates a certain lifestyle, and none of those things can be tolerated. this is not to say that i don't like to go out and have fun... but i can't do it on tuesday and thursday nights (or sundays, mondays or wednesdays for that matter!). i can't leave 100% of work at work because that would take too much of the personal stuff out of it. that personal stuff is absolutely pivotal to my success just because of my own nature and the nature of this job. i don't sit at home patting myself on the back for trying to solve a national problem or taking a position no other person might want... but i do feel pretty proud of myself for the obstacles i've overcome so far, and those that i am still willing to encounter.

5-year plan.

2008-08-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

my first actual summer vacation as a teacher (and since junior high, i might add) has come to a close. school is starting up again and i'm both relishing and dreading the idea of having to go back and face the children. all things told, i am a year older and about 10 years wiser than i was last year. i know the inner-workings of the school and have established a rapport with many of the students. when someone asks me for directions on open house night, i'll actually know how to answer him. i know what ideas and attitudes i should continue with this year because of my successes last year, and i know what ideas and attitudes i need to forego immediately in order to more-than-just-survive this year. those are pretty good feelings. but i also have to start waking up at 5 am again, and dealing with student misbehaviors, and planning lesson after lesson, and everything else that comes with being a teacher. those aren't the awesomest of feelings. boo.

the mere fact that i will have built a reputation amongst the students and staff at my school is thrilling. instead of being a new face to mess with, i will be an old face to be wary of. hopefully. my understanding, based on the experience of my older colleagues, year 2 will be a million times easier than year 1 based on that fact alone. i actually know what i'm getting myself into this time around, and i think that will help immensely. considering the way my first year of teaching ended, with a big fight and a student telling me to shut up and the threat of water balloons and saying no to everything and just plain wanting the kids out of my face and out of the building, i am banking on being able to go back into school this year and be much firmer and more professional. i've said this a million times already.. but it's really not going to be about the students liking me, it's going to be about them respecting me. i have to toe that line much better than i did last year. i don't need to be the cool teacher in order to be the successful teacher. period.

i have been having a horrible time trying to sleep these past few nights. teacher work days started on monday, and my sleeping troubles started sunday night. coincidence? probably not. i suppose i'm having some anxiety about waking up at 5 am and seeing some of the most obnoxious of student faces come august 25th, and that manifested itself in my dreams last night. i had a terrible nightmare about how my 11th grade english class played out - i had to miss the first day of classes to deal with problems elsewhere, and when i did go the next day the students were wreaking havoc in the classroom without my co-teacher saying a word to them. then, in my dream, i got cursed out and sexually harassed and physically assaulted and everything else. i stayed firm in my dream, but that didn't make it any more fun to see my co-teacher having a picnic with his family in the corner of the room while all of this was going on. i woke up pissed off, to say the least. i know for sure that my 11th grade class will not (CANNOT!) be that bad, but it just does not make me any more enthusiastic about heading back into the classroom. ugh.

despite my hesitance to throw my hands up and shout with excitement about the start of a new school year, i'm actually planning on staying in this career, and specifically at my school, for quite awhile. i have a 5-year plan, if you will. year 1 down, and now just 4 to go. in these next 4 years, i want to get my teaching license and my masters degree in special education. i also want to inherit the position of department chair for the exceptional children's department. that's a lot to do in 4 years.. but that is what i want. a lot of people at my school expect this to be my last year because i will have fulfilled my teach for america commitment come june, but i don't feel like i can just leave after my 2 years. i owe more to my school, my students and myself. i need to 'continuously increase my effectiveness' as a teacher, as tfa would say. hopefully things will go smoothly enough to keep encouraging me to do just that.

15 minutes of fame.

2008-06-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago, i attended the welcome dinner for the 2008 charlotte corps of teach for america teachers. i was overwhelmed by how many new faces were becoming a part of this mission, and by how fresh-looking they are (do i really look as weathered and beaten at just 22 as i feel?!?), and by how many questions they have. wow. i have taken it upon myself to adopt the special education teachers in the bunch because i know how clueless they must be feeling because i remember how clueless i was feeling at that point last year. i expected a few of those future teachers to come up to me and say hi, since we've chatted before, but i found myself speaking with oh so many people. i couldn't understand how these people knew me, or why they at sought me out, but then one of them reminded me of the story i told in an email that was sent out to all of them. it was a story about my first day of second semester with my 11th grade class. during that class, my co-teacher and i came up with the idea (not originally, we borrowed it from freedom writers - totally cliche, i know) to have our kids give a toast to the semester to follow. this is that story:

On the first day of the second semester, I poured a glass of juice for each of my students. I explained to them that it is imperative that they understand the importance of celebrating all victories in life, even small ones, and that making it to the eleventh grade is no small victory. I also explained that what we were going to do that day was to make a toast - a proclamation of where we've come from and where we're going. Inside, I was hoping that this didn't sound too cliché, but outside I was noticing that my kids were nodding in agreement and thinking hard about what they would say. I went first. I said, "First I want to toast to all of you. You're the reason I'm here. I toast to the triumphs and the struggles that have gotten you this far, and to all of those that will keep you going. I also want to toast to myself. I want to toast to being the best instructor, counselor, mentor, listening ear... anything, that I can be, because I want you to succeed." With that, I raised my plastic cup, took a sip of juice, and walked to the back of the classroom. I had my fingers crossed that my students would buy in.

Just like that, one by one, my students stood up and toasted to themselves, individually and as a class, explaining what they've done to get to where they are in life and what they want to do next. It was incredibly moving. The last student, Tyrel, stood and walked to the front. He raised his cup and said, "First of all, I want to toast to you, Ms. Quick, for making us feel so welcomed and loved from Day 1. Next, I want to toast to every student in this classroom because we are here, in eleventh grade. And next year we will be in twelfth grade, and the year after that we'll be in college. And we'll get there together just like we've gotten here together. And last, I want to toast to myself. If it weren't for the hard times, I wouldn't know how to appreciate the good times. I think this is one of those good times. Cheers." Tyrel held his glass up, and the class cheered.

Can you believe that? They actually cheered. It's like what happens in the movies, but it happened in my classroom. Unbelievable! And amazing! My first semester of teaching was rough at some points, but this one moment erased all of that from my mind. This is why I came to Charlotte to teach. These students are why I do what I do. And they are why I'm so hopeful that you will become a part of it too. You will get to have moments like this. They may be shrouded in a few side conversations, an occasional missed assignment and phone calls home, but you will have them. And you will relish them. There really is nothing like the relationship you will develop with your students, and how much it will mean to both you and them. They know deep down, even if they don't always say it, that you're here because they need you. They really do need you.

Think for a moment all of the students who you will impact, because that's what this is about, those students. You will bring smiles to people's faces, you will challenge students for what might be the first time in their lives, and you will bring about change. It does not get better than that, and that is why I am so hopeful that you will come to Charlotte.

i love that story. and i love the fact that i gave my students an opportunity to come full circle by giving a toast to their accomplishments at the end of the semester, as i reference in the last post. and i love that these new, fresh, completely un-jaded corps members eat that stuff up. yes, i feel extremely lucky to have had one of those moments in my classroom. is it true that it completely erased all of the bad times from the school year? no, i still have some emotional scars. but does it overshadow a whole lot of them? yes, absolutely. i truly love all of my students, and i find myself wondering how they're doing without me harassing them on a daily basis. i'm sure they're surviving, just like i am.

i find myself realizing so many things about myself now that i have the opportunity to have removed myself from the school environment. i know so much more about delivering instruction and course content. i understand where my students are coming from much better. i am more confident in my ability to be firm with my students. i know that there is a huge difference between caring about my students and wanting to be their friends, and that it is a very important difference. i know that i can handle a mixed bag of misbehavior in and out of the classroom. i know that i can make co-teaching work. i know i can handle extremely stressful situations, in and out of the classroom. i know that i can make both pleasant and unpleasant phone calls to parents. i know that i can hold important meetings by myself. i know that i can answer questions that students and parents have, and if i cannot, that i can find someone who can for them. basically, i know i can do a whole heck of a lot more things than i ever thought i was capable of. it's a good feeling! i already feel more confident going into my next year of teaching, despite the fact that i have no idea what i may be teaching next year. whatever happens, i figure i can handle it.

one lesson i thought i learned at the beginning of the school year was that, "it's not about you, it's about them" - that it's not about what this job can do for the teacher, but what the teacher can do for her students. i really thought i understood that message, and that i was putting it into practice. nope. i didn't manage to check my ego at the door for the majority of the school year. i wanted the kids to like me too much. i wanted to not have to co-teach so that i could have 100% control over a classroom. i wanted to receive credit for my school's writing scores since i did the vast majority of planning and instruction in one of the classes i taught, who did very, very well on that test. i wanted, i wanted, i wanted. i was being selfish too much. turns out, it doesn't so much matter if my kids actually like me - just that they are respectful. it doesn't so much matter if my job involves co-teaching because co-teaching is proven to help the children both with and without special needs in the class to be much more successful. it doesn't matter if i receive credit for those writing scores, it just matters that my kids get the credit they deserve for working so hard to achieve at such a high level. this is a lesson that i wish i could impart upon the incoming teachers, but i guess i know from experience that that is exactly what it takes, experience, in order to learn this lesson.

what a long, strange trip it has been..

2008-06-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

survival (noun): the act or fact of surviving, especially under adverse or unusual circumstances. yeah, that sounds about right. my first real day of teaching was august 27, 2008. right now that seems like eons ago. i don't really remember anything about that day. i remember two days later when my third period class had me in tears, and i remember being told by colleagues that special education teachers are not real teachers. but the thing is, i also remember one of my students saying that i was the first teacher who he actually wanted to try for, and one of my kids asking me to adopt him.

"my kids." it's really kind of a funny concept. though not physically possible, i absolutely take ownership over all of the kids whom i have taught or advocated for over the course of this past year. that's well over one hundred children. dear god. i remember going home for the first time at the holidays and talking to friends from high school, whom i hadn't talked to in years, about what i was doing with my life. i made comments about "my kids," assuming they would just understand just like all of my (teacher) friends here understand. instead they stood there with their mouths agape, wondering if i had had not just one child, but multiple children, since they had last heard of me. well, i didn't give birth to these kids but i do love them and claim them. i went home for a weekend recently, and i was being very mature and reflective while talking to my cousin about my impact as a teacher and the emotions that are involved. (*note: admittedly, i was in a very positive frame of mind at that time, but everything i said still stands.) i realized that i am absolutely head-over-heels in love with my kids, in a completely appropriate way of course. i feel their pain like it's my pain, i celebrate their successes like they're my own. and then i wondered what it will be like when i have my own children? it will be even more intense, and that's just scary. first of all, i'm not ready for my own kids. second of all, that is a crazy amount of emotional investment in one person. whoa.

now that this school year is coming to a close, i've been looking back to figure out if i've really made an impact on my kids. of course i like to think that i have, and in a dream world they would all run up to me and tell me what a difference i've made in their lives and what an inspiration i am. but in real life, i'm dealing with somewhat fickle teenagers. at least that's what i keep telling myself to feel better. as i've stated previously, i'm not so good with the quantitative data. i generally know where all my kids stand and what i need to do to help them improve. on top of teaching them things about english, i also try to impart some wisdom about life. i do that in hopes of instilling in them greater self-worth and self-confidence. i would like to think i've been successful. on the last day of my most enjoyable class this semester, i stood back and listened to them individually reflect upon the semester. they spoke about what they learned and the relationships they forged, and they talked about how they appreciated their teacher - but not me so much, my co-teacher. i stood there and told myself it's because he's leaving our school to teach elsewhere and i'll be back and they'll see me and it's not the same and their appreciation is just implicit and i'm being hyper-analytical, etc. i don't know that i've ever felt so small. it hurt so bad because i know that i am the one who did the majority of the work involved with the actual instruction related to the curriculum, and i did a bang up job. but in the end, that's not what they cared about the most. they cared about the times my co-teacher spent preaching about matters unrelated to american literature. don't get me wrong, i also value some of the time that was spent providing guidance to our 17 year old students about the way life could and should be for them... but i particularly value instruction. it's just that i think those positive messages about life should come out in an academically relevant way. i know my kids learned something from me, several somethings, but i wanted to hear it directly from them. i wanted to know that they appreciated everything i did to make them think critically and creatively. but once again, i'm dealing with somewhat fickle teenagers who have many other things on their minds other than american lit.

this is what brings me to the much anticipated teacher philosophy i will live by number six (courtesy of my mother): "the popular teachers aren't always the best teachers." maybe i'm telling myself this just to feel better about myself, and i will admit that my self-esteem could use a boost, but i think that's true. students probably enjoy not being pushed beyond their means because it means they can just sit there and socialize or sleep. but on the flipside of that, i also truly believe that students do like to be pushed and challenged and broken down to be built up again. that is how i want to be remembered. it's sooo cliche, but it's also so true. to be the teacher who pushed her students to do more than they thought they could, and to help them to realize that they're capable of much more than they were aware of is an awesome feat. teachers who actually do those kinds of things aren't recognized or appreciated until like, 20 years down the road though. so what i'm going to do - my "next step," if you will - is to stay in touch with these kids in order to find out if i was that kind of teacher for them. possible? yes. probable? no. but i'll still try. that's why they invented the myspace, right?

there is one student who has extra made me feel small and helpless and useless this year, and that is my absolute favorite student. some may read this and say, "but you're not supposed to have favorite students; that's wrong!" to which i respond, oh please. well, this student of mine came to school less and less this past semester until he just stopped coming at all. i tried so hard to get him to come after school to make up time and work so that he could pass, but in the end, i could not want him to be educated more than he did. he would have to do it for himself. and he didn't. it's killing me. the one student who i tried the hardest with, both academically and psychologically, dropped out. he gave up everything that he had done, that we had done, and dropped out. i know that i should not take this personal, and that ultimately he is only hurting himself. but i am hurting too. i feel like i failed him - that i didn't push hard enough or say the right things. somewhere along the line, i did him a disservice. logically, i know that there are 16 years of his life that i was completely uninvolved in and that have also brought him to this point, but i can't help claiming responsibility for all of it just like i claim responsibility for him as one of my kids.

if i could teach my students one lesson in life that i think would benefit them for the rest of their lives, unrelated to english literature, it would be to appreciate what you have. not take advantage of what you have, not use what you have - or don't have - as an excuse, but genuinely appreciate what you have. they need to learn to appreciate the teachers who are caring and devoted instead of attempting to test their limits and run them down. they need to learn to appreciate the people who are earnest and devoted in their attempts to make students successful instead of writing them off. they need to fulfill their duties as students and citizens to attain an excellent education and then go out into the world and use it. ultimately, they need to understand that there is always someone who has it worse. they could have a teacher who puts movies in every day, or who gives them elementary school worksheets in high school. they could be in a worse school with worse resources. it can always be worse, unfortunately. but it's not, and that's what they need to understand.

warning: system failure.

2008-03-31T15:20:00.000-07:00

i know that one of the reasons i'm doing what i'm doing is because the students are ridiculously underserved. it's just ridiculous to me that they are underserved by the administrators who have the most knowledge about their struggles and the most access to a variety of resources to help them. i'm sorry if this was naive or ignorant or whatever, but i expected that people who are professional educators are generally in it for the kids. they have their best interests at heart. i'm starting to not believe that any more. call it disillusionment, or call it enlightenment. either way, it sucks.

not just one, but several of the high schools in my school district handpick children to be placed in classes in tested areas. there are 5 classes with state mandated tests that count towards the students' graduation requirements. on top of that, there are state tests for other classes that still count toward the schools' annual yearly progress, and overall image. the big 5 are algebra 1, english 1, geometry, civics and economics and biology. others are chemistry, algebra 2, physics, u.s. history and physical science. on top of these classes, there are other electives and more remediated classes that do not require state tests. so basically, kids who are not almost guaranteed to pass the state tests based on their past performances are not placed in those classes. they are not given the chance to learn at a higher level, or to challenge themselves to perform. awesome. we're letting our kids down by failing to have high expectations for them. we actually have really low expectations for them, and we're letting them know that by denying them entry to difficult classes. jerks.

on top of failing our kids, we're also failing our teachers. at one high school in the district, teachers are being moved around like chess pieces according to so-called "data" and student needs. ummm, students need to have their teachers switched mid-semester? i don't think so. students need consistency and to feel valued. neither of those scenarios occur when you yank their teacher. and that situation doesn't exactly encourage the teacher to be motivated in his or her next classroom, especially when they were not originally given his or her own classroom, or he or she had already had his or her classes switched once before during the school year. jerks!

i would really love to believe that curriculums and tests are developed in order to push our kids to succeed. i would love to believe that everyone has their best interests and futures at heart, and take into consideration a diverse student population - in relation to race, ethnicity, culture, religion, socioeconomic status, etc. - but i'm not convinced that is true. standardized tests ask questions using vocabulary that my students have never encountered and about situations they've never encountered. no matter what you say, i'll never believe that british literature is what is truly relevant to high school seniors right now. students who have special needs generally get the shaft in relation to classes and testing. once again, jerks.

maybe i'm oversensitive or overreacting or something, but most of my students don't know to question the system or to be upset about these things. i'm going to have to do it for them.

let's move on to more positive experiences... i was asked to speak at a recent professional development about one of my student's academic progress so far. i have not yet figured out a solid method for tracking progress towards mastering english objectives since they are written so ambiguously, so i don't really have any quantitative data. well, the group i was supposed to speak in front of is extremely data-driven, so i was nervous that my students' success stories wouldn't be good enough. i mean, the fact that tamez now capitalizes words correctly most of the time is a huuuuge deal to me. the fact that quanesha displays a more positive attitude is a huuuuuuge deal to me. the fact that brittney held a very mature, not to mention grammatically correct, 5+ minute conversation with my family is a huuuuuuuuuuge deal to me. but who else would care about these things? they don't know my students, they don't understand that these are big deals.

on friday, i found my story. one of my students is on the autism spectrum. though he is academically gifted, he has extreme social anxiety and a very difficult time with oral expression. no matter, though. he is still required to give a senior exit presentation about an argumentative research paper he wrote last year in front of a panel of judges. i knew going into the semester that this was going to be a challenge, and i was under the impression that no accommodations or modifications could be made to the presentation itself even if a student had special needs. i helped david to prepare a 6 minute speech on his topic and gave him ideas for a product to go along with it. i gave him advice about how to make eye contact with his audience and when to make pauses. we practiced every day for a month to get him ready for the worst case scenario - presenting in front of a panel of strangers. meanwhile, i was attempting to contact the district coordinator of the senior exit project to explain the situation and ask if anything could be done to meet my student's needs. ta da! there was. i finally heard back. i had two options. 1) david could present in front of the regular panel, without letting them know david has autism, and then i could adjust his grade accordingly, or 2) david could present to a panel of people with whom he is familiar, and that panel could give him a grade based on the same guidelines as the regular panel. option 2 is in david's best interest, and it helped to restore my faith in the system, if even just a wee bit. on friday, david presented his 6 minute speech in front of his special education case manager, his study skills teacher, myself and another teacher with whom he is familiar. he did an awesome job! he made eye contact with the audience, he asked questions to get the audience involved, he paused in appropriate places and came up with a very good product. using the state rubric, our panel decided that he deserved a 4/4 for his presentation. we were able to meet his needs as well as evaluate him fairly. for once, the system worked to a student's advantage. well done, folks, well done.

one person really can make a difference.

2008-02-07T14:21:00.001-08:00

the old adage is true: one person really and truly can make a difference. i learned this the hard way today. one of my students failed his core academy class, which means that he does not meet the continuation requirements to stay at our school, which means that he will be sent back to his home school, which means he will get even more lost in the shuffle, which means he will get himself into more trouble, which means he will fall more behind, which means he's a million times more likely to drop out, which means he's much less likely to make something of his life. this one child has made me feel sick to my stomach because it's as if i have failed him. did i not stress the importance of school work enough? did i not push him hard enough? did i not get on him for being lazy enough? did i not come across as enough of an authority figure? did i talk to him about things unrelated to school too much?

ultimately, it was his responsibility to pass his construction class. it's his education and he needs to choose whether or not to obtain it. i've already graduated from high school. he clearly needs a kick in the pants to get him to do anything. but he spends more of his time complaining about being 'bored' than he does trying to make anything of himself academically. it's so frustrating to me. and it's even more frustrating to me that i didn't do enough about it at the time. i found out when it was already too late and he's already failed the class. this one student has got my stomach all tied up in knots. one student. i come across failing grades every day, and it doesn't make me feel this way. hell, i give out failing grades nearly every day and it doesn't make me feel this way. why this one time? why this one student?

the students got their first semester report cards today, which is what has caused this mess of emotions i'm experiencing. i am blown away by the fact that students really and truly believe that grades just magically fall from the sky and land on their report card. like they've just appeared out of nowhere and the students have done nothing to conjure them up. what?! seriously?! i don't care how hard it is to calculate percentages and averages and all that crap; if you consistently receive bad grades on assignments, and consistently fail to turn in assignments, how can you honestly expect anything more than a failing grade in that class? i mean, really. teachers don't give out grades like candy and they don't just put something on paper to make their students upset. they don't want those kids back in their classroom the following semester or school year, so they want to pass them if they can! students earn their grades, good or bad. for goodness sake! i don't get it when students get all nervous before report cards, worrying what it's going to say. you should know what it's going to say because you know better than anyone else what your grades were like all semester. gah!

the one thing in the world that i cannot stand is when people make excuses for themselves. i have one student who has a different excuse every single day for why he doesn't have his work done, or why he can't participate, or why he doesn't know how to do the assignment, or any other possible scenario that could potentially come up. don't worry, this kid thinks he knows how to get out of it. child, you have no idea. but the thing is, it's not just this one child. it's not just children in general. it's everyone. when did it become ok to make excuses for ourselves in order to pretend like what we've done or not done is fine? i don't mean to paint a picture of myself as any kind of saint, because i am clearly not, but i grew up in a so-called broken home. we didn't have any money. and yet somehow i never got into trouble, i earned good grades, i got enough sleep at night, i listened to adults. i didn't make excuses for myself, though other people might have expected me to, or let me get away with things. it's ridiculous that this kid lives in a world where he has come to believe that he'll really get away with this. no, kid, with me as your teacher. today he was drawing on his notebook instead of doing work, and when i prompted him to get to the assignment he told me he was "still contemplating it." i took his notebook and told him that i'd remove his distraction so he could stop "contemplating" and get right to work. he then had the excuse to not do work of me having his notebook. clearly he can't do his work (that was on a separate piece of paper) without his notebook! how dare i! umm, no. sorry. you will not win this battle in my classroom. what is it? rule # 76: no excuses. play like a champion. WORD.

i think the reason that i am upset about that one student so much is because i know that i care more than he does. i am way more concerned about him receiving a high school diploma, and good grades all the way through high school, than he might ever be. but how do you teach that? how do you teach someone to be intrinsically motivated? no one taught me to want to get good grades or to want to get into a good college, i just wanted those things for myself. i don't know how to convey this type of message and that has got me all the more frustrated. i don't know how to explain to him what his responsibility as a student is and how he needs to step up to the plate. i'm afraid he'll continue to just be 'bored' all the time and really just let his education go down the tubes. i'm very, very afraid about what all of this could mean. and just for this one person.

two truths and a lie.

2007-12-16T15:44:00.001-08:00

on saturday night, a friend of mine asked me to tell him two truths and a lie about my past week at school. i said, "i have a student who collects saliva in his mouth for fun, i was proposed to three times and i love every minute of being a high school teacher." can you guess which one was the lie? if you guessed the first one, you're wrong. i do, in fact, have a student who collects spit in his mouth for fun. it's not very fun for me, though. if you guessed the second one, you're also wrong. my students have brought sneaky sexual harassment to a whole new level. good times. now, if you guessed the third one... ding ding ding! you hit it right on the nose. ok, so i don't love every minute of being a high school teacher. do i love most of the minutes, or a lot of them anyway? yes. but definitely not all of them.

i was told that november was going to be one of the hardest parts of the school year. well, i survived november relatively unscathed. it's december that has done me in. coming back from thanksgiving was hell. i cried, i kicked and i screamed.. but i still had to get on that plane and fly back to charlotte. when i arrived at my departure gate on that sunday, one of the flight attendants made an announcement that they needed two people to take a bump and flight out the next day instead. you have no idea how much i wanted to take them up on that offer. as it turns out though, i needed to be back at school to teach the children early the next morning. that made me even more sad. is it normal to feel scared to death at the thought of having to go back to work? it may be a normal feeling for some people, but it can't be healthy! that first week back really wasn't all that bad. we had semi-solid plans in all my classes and the kids were ok. they really didn't want to be there any more than i did, but we tolerated each other just fine. and then came the next week.. and all hell broke loose.

two weeks ago made me want to shut myself in a closet and never come out again. students were being jerks, i was exhausted and unable to deal with their jerky-ness and overall, i felt like i had no control over my own life. not fun, my friends. i'm approximately 12 hours away from the only home(s) i've ever known, and despite the fact that i love the friends i have made in charlotte, it's just not the same. how do i deal with being sexually harassed by 16 year old boys? how do i deal with kids who just won't stop talking, and when i try to discipline them, they say truly cruel things? how do i handle it when all of my students are picking on just one kid? how do i deal with it when all of these scenarios are taking place in one day during one class, probably in the same 5 minute period? i don't know. and i didn't know, which is what made it so awful. i felt like i was doing a disservice to my kids by being there, as their teacher, and yet not teaching them anything. i can't get through any academic instruction if they're acting like animals. but i can't handle myself and my own emotions well enough to try to teach them to not act like animals. quite the quandary, i found myself in. and this persisted all week long - me sucking at teaching, my students sucking at learning. i felt guilty for doing a bad job, and i felt angry at my kids for doing a bad job. i wanted to cry every day, and some days i did. i thought back to all the positive things i've had to say in the past and i realized that i might have been in some la la land fantasy world. but in reality, i suck at this. ok, another quandary. if i suck at this, the one thing that i thought i wanted and needed to do with my life, where am i supposed to go from here? straight into an existential crisis, that's where. ahhh! all of this culminated in me breaking down on the saturday after hell week. the funny thing with break downs is that they make you feel better momentarily afterward. you kind of sigh and are like, ok, time to rebuild. but then sunday comes, and you realize you have to start all over again on monday. ugh.

i literally didn't know how i was going to show up on school on monday and do it all again. i didn't want to hear the disgusting comments from my males students or deal with notes being passed or snide remarks. i didn't want to deal with giving out bathroom passes so students could leave to go who-knows-where for 25 minutes. i didn't want any of it, not even the good things. it didn't matter to me that i'd probably see my favorite student, or that my second period class is usually really awesome. i don't know if it was just the difficulty of coming back from the thanksgiving holiday, or wanting to be home at christmastime or the fact that i'm not always awesome at my job.. but i felt like i truly could not go on. i felt like i'd rather burst into flames than step foot back into my classroom, or my co-teacher's classroom. in order to try to feel better, i tried talking to people about how i felt. they kept saying, "this is normal, there are a lot of people who feel exactly the way you do." unfortunately, that does not make me feel any better. i actually feel really horrible about that. it doesn't actually make me feel good to know that other people are miserable; it makes me feel much worse, in fact. ugh. this is when it becomes absolutely necessary to have an amazingly stellar social life outside of your sucky job. crap. i don't have that either. soooo, sanity, how do i find you?

sanity can be found in sick days, i have realized. my mother would disapprove, but i think it's true. if you need a break from your kids, and your kids need a break from you, what's wrong with taking a mental health day? i realized that when i'm exhausted and upset and wanting to hurt myself if it meant i didn't have to face my students, i cannot possibly be an effective teacher. that and the fact that i have started to have intense stomach pains when thinking about my students or when surrounded by my students or when doing any work for my students or anything at all that involved students in any way. that's bad, right? anyway... i rationalized this in my head, and i'm going to stick with the logic. if i think about it any more i'll start to feel bad. but those sick days have the potential of rejuvenating an individual. what i needed was a way to put my mind at ease and to feel like i could continue on. i don't know that i found that on my sick day, but it was definitely better than being miserable at school. and i came back the next day to hear about how my students missed me, and to grade my students tests and realize that, for the first time, EVERYONE had passed. that made me feel a little better.

despite the fact that i can feel myself going slightly crazy with my one job, teaching, i find myself applying for all sorts of other positions. i am the matriculation intern for my teach for america region, which means that i am in charge of the production and distribution of all the matriculation packets for the incoming corps members. this is an important job (at least that's what i tell myself) because the number of corps members coming to charlotte is going to double next year. we neeeeeed good people who want to be here. these students need them, us. i am also going to be a grad student starting this spring. i'm going to be working towards my graduate certificate in special education, which will lead to my permanent teaching license. very exciting stuff. considering it's free, i want to get my license here because i'll have reciprocal licensing in other states (like new york) where i might end up living after my years here in charlotte are over with. and now, i'm thinking of applying to go back to institute. this time, i wouldn't be going back as a corps member. i'd be going back as a staff member whose job is to support the corps members and their environment. i think that it is because of my experience that i'm realizing how important these supportive, behind-the-scenes positions are. this job is hard. it's so hard. and if there aren't caring people who are trying to make it as stable and manageable situation as possible.. then it won't be possible. and like i said, these kids need us.

when i applied for the position of matriculation intern, this is the letter of application that i submitted:

During the summer of 2006, I joined the Teach For America staff as a Campus Campaign Manager for my university. Despite the fact that I considered myself dedicated to the mission of Teach For America, I had no idea what the mission really meant. Even now, I only have two months of teaching experience, but I am beginning to truly understand what this mission, this responsibility, is all about.

This mission, now my responsibility, is about Devante. It is about Tamez, Michael, Symeon and Sharnee. It is about ensuring that my students receive the educational opportunities that they are entitled to. It is also about ensuring this same entitlement to the thousands of students in the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools that I have never met.

In order to continue working towards this goal, of delivering an excellent education to the students of Charlotte, I want to be the matriculation intern for the Teach For America – Charlotte office. I want to provide support and information to as many incoming corps members as possible, and encourage them to find the same desire and responsibility to teach these children that I have. Based on my experiences in the classroom, and my passion for this mission, I believe that I would be able to assist the 2008 corps members with developing that same passion.

Because of the experiences I have had in my classroom thus far, I know that this problem cannot be solved during my two-year commitment as a Teach For America corps member. I know that I do not have the ability to serve as many children as is necessary in order to close the achievement gap in Charlotte, North Carolina. We need hundreds more qualified and dedicated teachers to join us in this mission. I will help to bring these teachers to Charlotte because I truly know how necessary they are to serve our students’ needs.

It is my job to instruct. It is my job to plan. It is my job to keep records. It is my job to constantly be in contact with members of the Charlotte community. But it is my passion to do these things for a valuable reason, which is to make certain that the students of my school receive the services they deserve. It is also my passion to make certain that students all over the City of Charlotte receive these services, which can only be done by helping to bring the next wave of Teach For America corps members to share in this mission.

in the end this is really the way that i feel. i love what i do because i understand its necessity and its importance. but that doesn't mean i can always sugarcoat it to sound glamorous, or that i'm trying to make myself out as a saint. not at all. i suck at this job sometimes, and i don't always act like a good person. this job provides me with a rollercoaster of emotions, which i'm sure i have reflected in this entry. i'm always torn between my love of my favorite students, and my hatred of classroom management issues; my love of advocating for the children, and my hatred of feeling helpless in front of an uncontrollable classroom; my passion for raising awareness and action to fight educational inequity, and my loathing of my 4:25 am alarm clock and being tired by 7 pm at night. the fact that my emotions are always on one end of the spectrum or the complete opposite is not helpful to my peace of mind, but that's how it is. that's how it has to be right now. this is the life i have chosen. and my children need me. i have to admit that i don't always make myself available to them, and i don't always serve them the best way i know how. but i'm doing the best i can with what i've got right now. and what i've got right now is an almost empty tank. i'm drained. i need this winter break to spend time sleeping and enjoying life, not worrying about accounting for every second of my 90 minute periods.

maybe while i'm home for christmas, i won't think about school at all. maybe i'll just think about how good it is to be celebrating the holidays with my family, and sleeping in my old bed and going to all our old hangouts. but probably not. even if it's just because people are asking me how my job is going, school is always on my mind. even if it's in the most indirect way. i had been thinking for awhile that charlotte is the hilton of teach for america placements, and maybe my school in particular was the hilton of school placements within our region.. but i still have students whose daily meals are only the ones they eat for free at school, or who go home to empty houses because their parents have to work around the clock to support them, or who do not go home at all because they don't have one, or who live in neighborhoods where they're forced to join gangs in order to feel protected or to try to make ends meet for their families. many of my kids go through hell every day after school, and school is the only stable environment they have. i don't want to cheapen their situations by making them sound cliche, because they are not cliche. they are real. i have to remind myself that, you know what, other people have it waaay worse than me. and some of those people.. are my students.

i like to be liked.

2007-10-07T19:22:00.001-07:00

it's true. it should not come as any big surprise. most people like to be liked. but this fact is one of the most important and useful realizations i have come to since i began teaching. i can now share teacher philosophy that i will live by number five, which is really a caveat to number one and a culmination of numbers two and three. drum roll please... teacher philosophy that i will live by number five states that i will always make sure that my students are aware of how much i care about them so that they invest themselves in me, put their trust in me and refuse to disappoint me. this will only benefit them in class, and hopefully in life.

this is my primary and most successful approach to classroom management. i know that the students do not have to like me in order to learn, but i also know that it makes it easier on both of us if they do, in fact, like me. i make sure to go out of my way to say kind words and share advice in order to let the students know that i care about their well being, both in and out of school. i will always smile at my students. i will always ask them about their days and nights and weekends. i will always tell them how much i enjoyed reading their papers, and begin my constructive criticism with a compliment. i will always tell them how proud of them i am, and how lucky i am to be their teacher. they will always know i love them. because if i like to be liked, and i most assuredly do, it is more than likely that they like to be liked too. it's a win-win situation really.

the fact that they know i care does nothing but make our classroom better, more efficient. the students understand that i am only there to help them, that i am teaching them for a reason. they know i respect them, and in turn, they respect me. they listen when i speak. they take notes when i ask them to. they quiet down when i tell them it's time to learn. they do it for me, because i know what is best for them. i'm not saying that this technique is 100% effective, but i am saying that it works a lot of the time. there is nothing wrong with having positive relationships with your students, and if that morphs itself into a successful classroom, you really have succeeded in many, many more ways than just being able to spout curriculum without interuption.

but what does ms. quick matter? why should her opinion of these 15 year olds matter? i remember being a student, from pre-school all the way through college. i remember truly believing that my teachers knew everything and that they were the only people that i could learn something from. they were the experts on math and science and history and english, and i needed to catch every word they said. i respected them for graduating from college with a degree in education in order to fill me in on what i needed to understand about the world. i don't think it's any different for my own students. i am the one who sets the tone, who has the information to dispel upon them. if they want to learn, they can only do so through me. and so, i matter at least a little bit. couple that with my intense devotion to my students and their every day struggles and triumphs, and i matter a lot. my mom always tells me of a teacher that she worked with when she mentored an elementary school student. that woman could discipline a child with one hand while stroking their cheek with the other. she mattered to that student, and all her students. she was taken seriously because she was a force to be reckoned with and she had a compassionate soul.

i strive to be like that teacher. discipline is not my forte, though. at least not in the traditional yelling and sending kids out sense. i struggle internally every time a student acts out in class. do i kick him out in order to minimize the other students' distractions (and my own), or do i let him remain in order for him to gain something from today? and what if this happens with the same student EVERY DAY?! i don't know. i very much don't know.

i have one student who this is true for. he is becoming both my biggest accomplishment and my biggest failure. since the second day of class, this individual managed to have himself kicked out of class every day. i have not done any of the kicking out. my co-teacher is go-to-man for discipline. "get out" are his magic words. i finally decided that every day, i would follow this student out into the hallway. i would ask him what was going on inside his head. i would attempt to teach him the material he was missing out on. i would give him opportunities to still receive credit. i would actually get to know him. i would let him know that i respect him, and though he didn't have to like me, i would appreciate his respect in return. especially in front of his classmates. this is why, one day, when he yawned as i was speaking in front of the class, i was so hurt. or at least i was able to act so hurt. when the other students were dismissed for lunch that day, i asked him to stay behind for a moment. immediately, he apologized for yawning and said it was not out of disrespect. i told him that though it may not have been meant to intentionally disrespect me, he still succeeded in doing so. i let him know that i cared about him and his success in this class immensely, and i hoped he would care about his own success just as much. i told him that i was disappointed in his actions, especially after the talk we had had previously. at the end of our conversation, he looked like a wounded puppy. the fact that i was disappointed made him feel bad. he did not act up the rest of class. he has, however, been kicked out on several more occasions since that day. not by me, of course, but even still, i went out into the hallway each time. i asked him questions about his interests. i told him about my experiences with college and sports, and spouted off any knowledge i had about the things he liked. i worked with him on the topics covered inside the classroom so he could receive credit. i constantly reinforced the idea that i care about him, and i want him to do well. i still asked him why he acted so disruptive in the classroom, and he told me he didn't know what was wrong with him. he just acts a fool when he gets in front of other students. he wants to be everyone's favorite. he knows he is hurting himself by missing out on instruction. he is failing all of his classes. all of his teachers hate him. no, i tell him, that's not true. i am your teacher and i could never hate you. we will make sure you pass, together.

it's so cliche. it's so hokey. but it's so true. i have another student, same age, who has struggled for a very long time with managing his anger. he has attempted to teach himself that he cannot fight because if he were to begin to fight, he would not stop. he is a trained boxer, and he knows that he would not be able to control his rage or his ability. i told him immediately that i am proud of him for how aware he is of his problem, and how i know that he will handle any situation correctly if it should present itself. on thursday of last week, that situation did present itself. another student taunted him continuously and relentlessly about a failing mark he received. he sat and took it for awhile, but then he started to let loose. he stood up and began to yell, he shouted obsceneties and threats at the other student. he kicked a chair. but he did not put his hands on that other student. as soon as i heard about what happened, i congratulated him. i know how hard it was for him to keep his hands to himself, but he did it, and he is a better person for it. the next day, he came to me upset. he told me that despite the fact that he had successfully not fought that other student, he still received a discipline referral, a mandatory referral to anger management classes and was reamed out by his mother all night long. he asked me, "why didn't i just beat him up? why didn't i just do it? the same things would have happened to me! i still would have been in trouble!" i told him he was right not have beaten him. he would have received 10 days suspension from school. he would have missed out on important material from his classes. he is a good person for not having resorted to violence, and i am proud of him still. the classes on how to manage his anger will do nothing but continue to reinforce his good behavior. he didn't feel better immediately after our conversation. but he did know that i continued to care about him, and in the end, the school is only doing its duty to improve him and his life, not to hurt him.

i last wrote about my first 2 weeks of school. i wrote about students, and one in particular, who called me "the assistant" and heckled me non-stop. i would like to make an addendum to those statements. that one student who was so cruel to me, and then told me we were cool, told me last week that i was his favorite teacher. well, he didn't tell me actually. i was standing outside of my classroom before classes started and he was walking by with a friend. he came up to me and said good morning, shook my hand, gave me a side hug. he went back to his friend, tugged his t-shirt and made him look back. he said, "yo man, that's my favorite teacher right there. that's ms. quick." it was a magical moment. i worked hard to win him over, especially because of the way our relationship began that first week of school. i praised his poetry and edited his papers. i told him to have a good weekend and i waved to him at the football games. it's amazing. caring endlessly and tirelessly about these students truly is magical. it makes even the most improbable of dreams, like winning over a room full of jaded 15 year olds, a possible reality.

i love these kids. i LOVE them. that is why my heart breaks when i hear about their own heartbreaks. the student who refused to fight was arrested when he was in middle school, and kicked out for his behavior. i don't know what his behavior was, but it was bad. he was given a choice: return to high school when you are of age or go to jail. he went back to school. thank god. his father is jail for involvement with drug sales and other dangerous crimes. he does not get along with his mother, his only relative available to him. in my english III class, we read longfellow's poem of grief over the loss of his second wife. as a closing activity for the week, we had our students write their own poems of grief. one student wrote about his father who abandoned him and his family, never to know his son who would grow up to be a very respectable young man. one student wrote about the death of his mother. another student wrote about the mother who left his life as soon as he was born to take part in a life of drugs instead of a life of motherhood. after 17 years, she is only now trying to rekindle a relationship with the amazing son she left behind. these students have suffered so much. another student lost his 7 year old sister to cancer because she was not able to receive medical attention in time for a proper and prudent diagnosis. yet all of them get out of bed every day and come to school. they do the best they can to learn, for themselves and for teachers like me. for that time, they are just students whose job it is to soak up knowledge. and at the end of the day, they go home. back to the difficult reality of their own lives.

it broke my heart over and over again. when my students read these poems, i cried. i sat in the back of the room, and i cried. they don't have to be there, but they want to be. i need to remember that each day as i drive to school. i am driving there to serve a purpose. i need to make learning relevant and worthwhile for them. i need to let them into my heart and make them feel comfortable in my presence. as helpful as it is for me to have them like me, it is even more important that they know i like them. i like them for who they are and who they can become. not only do i like them for those reasons, but i love them for those reasons. teacher philosophy that i will live by number six is really quite obvious, and is merely reminiscent of previous statements i have made. teacher philosophy i will live by number six is a reminder to myself that teaching is not about me, it is about my students. they are the ones who need the information i have, and i am merely the vessel through which they are going to receive it. i have a purpose, and that purpose is to serve them. i cannot forget that.

9 days down, now only 171 more to go..

2007-09-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

dear god, teaching is hard. i'm pretty sure i am slightly bruised and broken after my first two weeks. and for that, as akon says (and my students repeat like it's shakespeare), "you can put the blame on me." myself, i prefer to quote frank mccourt (slash the dead language of latin): "mea culpa."

it's really not the WHOLE week that was hell. just my 3rd block most of those days. not even all of those days. it's amazing how everything can be going soooo well, and then 10 minutes all of a sudden can just send that perfect day flying off track, straight towards hell. it's also amazing that 10th graders, innocent little 10th graders, could be responsible for that. HA. some of my 10th graders probably pride themselves on their ability to fluster their teachers, and they're quite good at it so maybe they should be proud, but by the end of the semester they will have learned. i made an important realization on that hellish first wednesday of my teaching career. ahem. teacher philisophy i will live by number one is: they don't have to like me. we will not be friends. but they do have to learn from me. that is all i require.

let me tell you about that first wednesday. first block went swimmingly. i taught a lesson on malleable intelligence. all the students understood the lesson and hopefully were able to internalize its importance. fabulous. second block was great! i taught a lesson on multiple intelligences and was sooo impressed by the discussion that took place amongst the students and how quietly and capably they did their group and independent work. i was positively prepared for that same lesson to go just as well in my third block class. i was so wrong. first of all, the students were completely confused about how and why i was standing up in front of the classroom ready to teach. "hey, i thought she was just the assistant?" "you're not a real teacher, where's mr. so and so?" oh boy. so i made it through the first 30 minutes, relatively unscathed. found solace in my peanut butter & jelly sandwich during lunchtime and managed to regroup for round 2 when the students got back from lunch. when i heard the students approaching, i headed back to the classroom to find the door locked because my co-teacher had not yet returned from his not-so-much-allowed-lunch-out-of-the-building. great. so i get a campus security associate to unlock the door and try to wrangle the children into the room. thisclose to impossible. "you're not my teacher." "i don't even know who that lady is." "i don't have to listen to you when mr. so and so isn't around." "the late bell didn't ring yet, i'm not coming in." awesome. wonderful. i have lost control. oh wait, i didn't have control to begin with so couldn't have lost it. eventually the students come in and sit down, i try to start back up where we left off... nobody's being quiet, they're trying to rattle me by calling me "the assistant" and snapping their fingers at me, pointing out the fact that i'm the only white woman in the room and they don't respect me. teacher's inner dialogue: "ok, lindsey, keep your cool. if they see you get rattled they'll never give in." teacher's address to the class: "all right, everyone needs to be completely silent. heads down on your desks. the lights are going out. when you can act like respectable young adults we'll start again." student response: "pssshhhh, we're not kindergarteners. why you treating us like little kids?!" teacher's response: "if you are going to act like kindergarteners, i will treat you like kindergarteners. now close your mouths and put your heads down. 3 minutes. go." teacher's inner dialogue: "i'm going to die in this classroom, aren't i? it's going to be painful and humiliating." 3 minutes go by, students were quiet throughout, we start again. i finish the lesson to the best of my ability, my co-teacher eventually comes back from his extended-not-so-much-allowed-lunch and has the audacity to applaud the students for having come around and behaved so beautifully today and then asks them to give ME a round of applause for having planned and delivered a lesson. i was right about the humiliation part. dammit. class ends 5 minutes later, i run down the hallway to my own classroom and proceed to burst into tears. at least the students didn't see it happen, right? but my co-teacher and another colleague got to see the show. ugh, my life.

i went home that night and relayed my story to anyone who would listen and pity me. it didn't make me feel much better, but at least people knew how miserable i was, i guess. then i got to thinking, and that's when i stumbled across teacher philosophy i will live by number one, as well as number two. teacher philosophy i will live by number two says: kill them with kindness. it is better for them to think you are untouchable than to know they can shake you to your core, so you must become the comeback kid. do it. and i did it! i went back the next day with a smile on my face, giving assistance and positive feedback wherever possible, and in general appeared to be unaffected. i think it surprised a few of them. the one student who was the meanest and made the most pointed and cruel comments the day before said to me, "ms. quick, you know, that was kind of cool of you, not ratting on us for being so bad to mr. so and so." well, student, there is no reason for us to be cool or on anything more than reasonably good terms, but if that what it's going to take for you to start acting respectful towards me, then fine.

this is what brings me to teacher philosophy i will live by number three: the belief that teachers should not smile until after thanksgiving is bogus, for me at least. if you know me at all, you know it is not my way to be extremely sullen and stern. i must smile and be pleasant in order to be myself. as a teacher, i will be nothing more or less than authentic. it will ultimately make me more successful than being fake-mean ever could.

one of my students, a 17 year old still in the nineth grade, cannot do simple math problems without counting on his fingers. and even then, he has difficulty. one of my students reads on a fourth grade level. many of my students are completely unfamiliar with organizing an essay into paragraphs, and if they do use paragraphs at all they do not capitalize or punctuate correctly. my students, generally, do not know how to keep themselves organized or how to study for tests or take notes or any of the most basic student functions. it is horrendous. yet they made it to high school, right into my classroom. so this is why i'm here, and this is why i'm so excited about my study skills class. in the very least, the students will have concrete information, strategies and suggestions on how to go about obtaining and practicing these skills. if you were a policy studies major at syracuse university, you would know that professor coplin wrote a book titled 10 things employers want you to learn in college. you would also know that a curriculum was created based on that book to teach to young students in order to prepare them for the real world. i am going to use said curriculum to convince my students of the importance of little things like taking legible notes and kicking yourself in the butt. even though they're used to not doing anything but their work from other classes or sleeping in study skills class, they will learn from me. dammit.

to get back to "putting the blame on me," and "mea culpa," i will share teacher philosophy i will live by number four: as the teacher, you set the tone. you are the instructional leader in the classroom and are ultimately responsible for all of your students' actions while they are in your care. it is your duty to shape them into the student they need to be, which includes a well-behaved young adult. if i had realized that ahead of time, i mean really realized it and not just assumed that it would happen all by itself, i would not have stayed silent for most of the class while letting my co-teacher go on and on about himself and his expectations for the class. i would have made sure my name and contact info were included in the syllabus and that i had my own space in the classroom. i would have made it clear that i, too, run the show in room 132 and i am a force to be reckoned with. for now, i will remember that on the next first day of school.

a couple times in the past two weeks, i thought about the possibility of there not being a next first day of school. what if i'm not cut out for this? what if i can't do it? what if i fail my students? what if i fail myself? what if i had a regular 9 to 5 job that didn't require me to bring work home with me? mental head slap. the fact that i ask myself a few of these questions serves as reaffirmation that i need to be here, and that i care about my students, and that passion (and sometimes compassion) serves as evidence that i am cut out for this and need to serve my students to the best of my ability. maybe my abilities aren't that great, but they'll get better. and then everyone will need to watch out for ms. quick. i also had a moment on friday of my second week of teaching that reaffirmed this for me. i am calling it my first "this is why i teach for america" moment. it was glorious.

this moment could not have come at a better time, let me tell you. you can probably understand why at this point. on friday in third block we assigned the tenth grade students their first major assignment: a personal reflection essay. it must be at least 5 paragraphs, 1.5 pages. it is due on monday, and if it is not completed by then the highest grade they will receive on their final draft is a 75 - only 5 points above passing. yes, i do smile at my students, but no, i don't cut them any slack when it comes to academic instruction. one of those tenth graders has study skills with another resource teacher fourth block, so i informed her that he could come over to my classroom during my planning period and work on his paper if she had nothing else planned for him. he did in fact come over, and got right down to work. he had a million questions, and even when they were answered to the best of my ability he struggled to get any words down on the page. i went over his ideas and his first paragraph with him over and over, but he just wasn't happy with it. he used the word "to" too many times. it wasn't interesting enough. his ideas were silly. no way! this is great stuff, you're doing a fabulous job, keep writing, progress will make you feel better, i'm here to help you. still, he wasn't satisfied. i finally asked him, "what is wrong with what you're doing? i think you're off to a great start." he looked me in the eyes and said, "ms. quick, no other teacher has ever made me write like this before. like, in paragraphs for a whole page and a half. i used to get by with just one big block of words. this is the first time i really have to do something hard. i just want to make sure i do a good job this first time." ... do you have tears welling up in your eyes? because i do, again. BE STILL MY HEART! if that doesn't make me ready and raring to go at 4:30 on monday morning of my third week, and all the weeks after that, i don't know what will. that student will probably never know how much those words meant to me or why, but he has inspired me to push my students past their limits and get them to actually produce quality work. i am so excited about the possibilities of this job.

i am excited, but i have to admit this is the hardest job of all time. it is not hard because of standing up in front of a classroom or because of the lesson plans i have to write for every day. it is hard for reasons like my heart hurts when my 17 year old student cannot do mental math and yet he has made it to high school. this job is hard because i truly care about my students' lives and how they are and will be affected by academic success versus failure. because i truly care, i will work a million times harder, and this job will be a million times harder, but no one will suffer for that hard work. my students will benefit from their academic successes, and i will live in a better world because they are well-educated.

it is not to complain, but merely to illustrate what it might be like to be a teacher who cares, that i would like to show you my daily schedule now that i'm gainfully employed as an educator. mind you, there are people who do much, much more, which should be frightening and consoling at the same time.

4:30 am - wake up
4:35-5:05 - run on treadmill
5:10-6:00 - get ready for school
6:00-6:10 - drive to school
6:10-7:15 - get ready for the day
7:15 - 8:45 - 1st block (study skills)
8:50 - 10:30 - 2nd block (english III)
10:25 - 11:06 - 3rd block (fundamentals of composition)
11:06 - 11:36 - lunch (aka, sanity time)
11:36 - 12:36 pm - 3rd block continued
12:41 - 2:15 - 4th block (planning)
2:15 - 5ish - continue to do work at school
5ish - 5:15 - drive home
5:30ish - eat dinner, watch tv
6:00 - 8:00 - do more work
8:00 - 9:00 - wind down for the night, watch some tv, make some phone calls
9:00 pm - bedtime

this does not include teach for america meetings added in on some days, or extra training i need to attend after school, or sporting events i will go to in order to see my students be awesome in other ways or the extended day program i might teach when the time comes. it's just a rough outline. i realized on saturday morning when i woke up that i had been awake the day before for 21 hours. 4:30 am wake up call, 1:30 am bedtime. ouch. but worthwhile. i know, i know. you're jealous. who wouldn't be? i get to see that young adults get the most out of their high school tenure every day. life is pretty good.

it's the final countdown!

2007-08-25T09:27:00.001-07:00

during the past week, i set up my classroom, i planned my lessons for the first week, i tried to figure out what co-teaching is slash what it will look like in practice, i got additional special ed. training, i received my special ed. caseload, i studied the curriculum for all my (3) classes, i received lots of help from colleagues, i was set up on the crazy computer network and grading system, i found out the names of all of my students, i met parents at open house, i volunteered to help with the extended day program for english II to gain more teaching experience... in addition to all that, i was told i looked too young to be a teacher, my experience was questioned (by myself as well as other people), i was told that being an EC teacher isn't being a real teacher and it's easy compared to "real teaching," i had a mini-mental breakdown and i may or may not have been sexually harassed a few times. what a week.

before i go any further, i have to comment on the whole "being told that EC teachers aren't real teachers and it's going to be easy compared to real teaching" ordeal. it really sucks being told this by my colleagues, people who are also teaching children. first of all, this is mean and hurtful and one educator should never say that to another. and i'll tell you why.. every single child we teach has a special need, whether it's documented and official or not. as teachers, we are all required to address those needs to the best of our abilities to help the child succeed academically. the students that i will be working with already have a stigma associated with their name and lable because of their learning disabilities and behavioral disorders, things entirely out of their control. we're not going to discriminate against kids based on the color of their skin or what their parents do for a living or other things that they can't control. so when a teacher says that they think they're being a punished for having EC students in their classes this year, that's so wrong. and when one teacher says to another that their job is a joke because they're working with EC students, they are so wrong. not only do special ed. teachers have the moral responsibility to push kids to achieve academically alongside their "regular" peers, they have a legal responsibility as well. each student has an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) that denotes what the student's specific academic goals are and a deadline by when they need to be met. as a case manager, which i automatically became when i became a special ed. teacher, i am legally responsible for ensuring each student on my caseload (right now i have about 25) meets those goals. i will have hours upon hours of legal paperwork to keep up with in order to keep myself and my school in compliance with meeting those goals. i can and will be sued otherwise.i will not have all of those students in class. i will have to find time to meet with them outside of my regular class schedule. in addition i will have to run meetings in order to create and re-create IEPs and explain their significance to parents, teachers and adminstrators. on top of that, i will be responsible for planning lessons for multiple and completely different classes, leading instruction, managing student behavior, differentiating lessons for different ability levels, investing the students first and foremost in themselves and then the content and school in general, and building relationships with my students. so to all of you who think that i'm not a real teacher, screw yourselves. as if i didn't already feel scared and confused enough, i don't need people making it worse. even more, our students deserve better than that. shame on you.

i spent a while this week feeling scared to death. as i said earlier, i had a mini-mental breakdown mostly because i feel underqualified and overstressed. when i get uber-stressed, which never really happened all that often until the last year or so, i just need to vent and talk and be told that everything is going to be ok. that's it. just tell me it's going to be ok. please take note of this in case i ever need to cry on your shoulder. i don't want suggestions and advice or to be scolded. i just want to be told it's ok. right. moving on.. so i try to talk to TFA higher-ups and i definitely don't get that. it's not the TFA way, they can't support that mentality. they tell me "you can't let your kids see that. you can't be like that." um, that makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, thanks. i can kind of understand the mentality they want us to have. we have to at least believe we're untouchable so that our students just see a confident and prepared teacher so that they follow our instruction towards academic success and don't mess with us, blah blah blah. but as it turns out, i've taught for a cumulative 4 weeks, i have never been trained specifically for special ed., (*please note: any of you TFA naysayers, that is not to be used in your arguments against the organization, this is just me we're talking about), i'm in a new place with new responsibilities and these kids lives are so important to me and i don't even know them yet. give me a break, please. i will do my job to the best of my ability because that's who i am but it HAS TO be normal to feel scared right now, it just has to be, so be honest with me and tell me that. do it.

so yeah, this is going to be really hard. the rumors are true, this will be the most insane thing i've ever done. and i'm getting so nervous and excited that i feel like throwing up. ugh. the thing about teaching, i'm realizing, is that there is ALWAYS something else you could be doing. there is another worksheet or organization technique or poster i could create. i could always improve upon my lessons or my approach to teaching. i was scared of that concept at first, but i'm thinking i might thrive off of it. i think i'll have to, actually, because i'm going to suck at this at first. so believing that i'm going to get better and my situation will improve and that i am ultimately in control of the whole ordeal might be good for me. or it might drive me crazy. we shall see.

monday, folks, is d-day. school starts and the adventure truly begins. good luck and godspeed to all the new teachers out there.

"it's not about you, it's about them."

2007-08-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

on friday i went and visited the school i will be teaching at: phillip o. berry academy of technology. google it. it's the most amazing facility of all time. i'll give you the basic breakdown... the school is a magnet school for technology, specifically IT, medicine and architecture/construction/engineering type stuff. there are practicum classes specifically for things like computer programming or networking, emt and nursing training, cad design, woodworking, etc. there are over 900 computers at the school. it is connected to a large public library. i will have my own classroom (which is almost unheard of as a special ed. teacher teaching inclusion), access to an unlimited number of photocopies and my own laptop and LCD projector issued by the school. let the guilt trip begin! i definitely feel at least a little ashamed because my fellow TFAers will not be so lucky, especially the special ed. corps members. i have a million resources at my finger tips, an excellent administration and i will have a fairly easy caseload. my students are all at the school because they want to be there.. which makes investing them in the coursework that much easier. when i left that building, all i was thinking was WOW.

another thing that makes me feel extremely lucky is the chair for the EC (EC=exceptional children=term for students receiving special ed. services in north carolina) department at phillip o. berry is incredibly awesome. i mean, i only met her briefly on friday but she seems like she'll be so helpful and she knows that i'm coming in almost completely clueless.. and she's ok w/ that! she asked me what i would prefer to teach before she started making the students' schedules. her and i are the entire special ed. department.. which is nerve-wracking because that's A LOT of responsibility but it will also allow us to develop a really strong working relationship and have complete accountability to the students.

the school is almost anti-the teach for america mindset in some ways. they started by allowing any students from the entire district to attend the school, and they found that they were experiencing the same difficulties as the rest of the schools in the district: behavior problems, low achievement, poverty. this was hard to deal with, obviously. turns out that's how teaching in urban schools works. but phillip o. berry decided to start implementing entrance requirements, and is now phasing out the lowest achieving students.. namely the lower functioning students receiving special education services. now, this makes my job easier. i can't lie. but does it benefit students in the long run? not so sure.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

so i've been in charlotte for almost 2 weeks at this point. my dad and i drove down on july 31st in my tiny little honda stuffed to the brim with stuff, and then i moved said stuff into my new apt. on aug. 1st when my lease started. there starts the stress of life in charlotte. the apt. wasn't ready when we got here - it needed new carpet, new wall fixtures, the interior doors needed to be fixed or replaced, the lighting needed to be fixed... WOW! i was upset, to say the least, because that was supposed to be done and relocating my life was already hard enough. my dad was able to take it in stride and was just like, "ok lin, we'll go do our errands and by the time we get back it will all be done." within the next few days, we drove all over charlotte and got all the errands i could possibly need done.. done. i don't know what i would have done without my dad for traveling, construction and sanity purposes. he was invaluable. i was sad that my mom wasn't around to see what i was doing and just to be able to spend time with her, but her and i are close to the point that it would have been soooo emotionally-charged that i wouldn't have got as much done. we'd have been crying and screaming at each other the whole time.

speaking of my mom not being here.. i have almost NO ONE here. so lindsey, tell me why you chose to move 12 hours away from home to do the hardest thing in the whole world? to make my life a living hell of course! ok, so that's a little (or a lot!) extreme. but this is hard. it's lonely. i don't have cry-on-your-shoulder type friends yet, really. i have friends, i have things to do and i have a great job. but this whole real world/real life thing is crazy. i think i'm realizing for the first time that i'm NOT going back to syracuse this fall, and i won't be surrounded by people and places i'm completely comfortable with. but moving on is all about finding myself in new ways and figuring out new places.. so eventually i'll get used to that.. maybe. sometimes i find myself fantasizing about what it would be like to have a real job: 9-5, no work to take home, semi-mindless.. and i think that would be an easier transition to make. but then i think about what i need to be doing right now and i remember that exactly where i am and what i'm doing is what i'm all about, and i feel very secure and content with that.

so that's starting-my-life-type-stressors. as for teaching for america stressors, they have been present in tenfold. i'm teaching special education, which is extremely important but not taught as an actual subject. as an inclusion teacher, i support the actual subject teachers whose regular ed. classes children receiving special ed. services are receiving their instruction from. (note: it's all about placing children in the least restrictive environment, so some students with special needs are mainstreamed because they will benefit the most from receiving regular instruction and spending as much time as possible with "regular" students their own age). as it turns out, i don't know what specific subjects i will support at my school. so all the individual work time and explanations on how to backwards plan for our classes' coursework or subject area specific sessions on resources or best practices that were available during orientation this past week.. AHHHH! i basically stared at walls during those times. that sucks! i was so incredibly frustrated and upset to not have any direction, and basically to be getting the shaft as far as training and orientation went. that's not ok. it does not serve my students well to have me go to my school and not know anything about what i'm doing! i kept reminding myself that my frustration should not be about me and my comfort level, it should be about my students and how much they will benefit from what i know and do. and i know nothing and have done nothing. GREAT.

on wednesday that week i actually spoke w/ my assistant principal and found out, for sure!, that i'd be teaching a study skills class on my own. i finally had a little bit of direction, so i ran with it. i wrote down any idea i came up with for what do do with my students during that time and i have become so excited about working with students in that capacity. when i taught summer school during institute, i found that my students were lacking basic note-taking and test-taking strategies. it's almost impossible to learn and succeed without those abilities! most of us are lucky to have developed them naturally or learned them without even knowing it, but these students are definitely not that lucky. so that's all i know, along with the fact i'll have my own classroom, so i'm trying to come up with high expectations, investment and classroom managment techniques and ways to set up my classroom. suggestions welcome. i just want to meet my students and get started.. but there's a lot more to it than that.

what it all comes down to is that i have to prepare and organize my classes and classroom and get my life together. buena suerte, lindsey quick.

warning: real life, straight ahead..

2007-07-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

on sunday, mr. evan riley called me. it was one of the most awesome phone calls i've ever received. he's not a movie star or a guy i want to date, he's one of my 7th graders from institute. he "just wanted to call and see how things were going with ms. quick." so cool! his life has been much more interesting than my own since i left atlanta. he's been to the zoo, gone camping and water skiing.. all sorts of fun stuff. and he called me to tell me about it. it doesn't mean that he can all of a sudden read on grade level or that he's ready for 8th grade, but it means i had some sort of positive effect on him, enough for him to want to keep in touch at least. it makes me feel a little guilty for not being the one to initiate contact, with him or any of my other students. notice that it's now wednesday.. and that i haven't called any of my other students still. bad teacher.

i'm a little frustrated with the next phase of life right now. i no longer have a placement in charlotte. boo. i got an email at the beginning of last week telling me the high school i was placed at in charlotte overestimated how many special ed. teachers it would need, and that since i was the last one placed there i would be the first to go. ugh. i mean, it's really fine. i know that it's only july and i'll get a placement eventually, maybe even before the schoolyear starts (fingers crossed!, ha), and that i'm a roll-with-the-punches kind of person so maybe it's better that this happened to me rather than someone else, but it still doesn't help the anxiety i'm feeling about relocating MY LIFE to a new city. going to charlotte without a job.. excellent. i already feel extremely nervous about being a special education teacher, and add that to being unemployed, living in a new city, being a real person, feeling out of shape teacher-ness-wise.. simply frightening. so basically what i'm saying is i'm a big baby.

being scared and being frustrated, etc. are making me unenthusiastic about this whole thing, which is BAD. i have committed 2 years to something really important, something i really really care about as it turns out, and i'm not excited right now. this is how i felt in december and january, but for completely different reasons. and i know now exactly what i knew then: i need to get over it and fast. i've got kids waiting for me in charlotte who need a good teacher, so i need to be a good teacher. being a good teacher means being confident in what i'm doing and why, which means i need to be passionate, which means i need to be wicked energetic. which means i need an attitude adjustment ASAP.

this is my major issue.. towards the end of institute i felt like, i can do this. i can teach a class. but it's still unclear to me what my role in a classroom will be. as a special education teacher in an inclusion setting, i will be the second teacher in the classroom. (fyi: inclusion means that students with special needs are placed in regular classrooms because it's the best environment for them to work towards, and meet, their academic goals.) there will be a general ed. teacher in the class who is primarily responsible for teaching the subject's content. i will be responsible for the students with special needs in that regular ed. classroom in order to make sure they reach their academic goals. but i have so many questions!!! will the gen. ed. teacher respect me since i'm a 1st year teacher? will the gen. ed. teacher respect me since i'm a special ed. teacher? how much responsibility will i have? will i get to plan or deliver any lessons? will the students i'm assigned to benefit from me being in the classroom with them? how will the other students be affected by my presence? what will classroom management look like? what will the classroom itself look like? what grade(s) will i be working with? what subject(s) will i be working with? what if i don't like this?

"what if i don't like this?" is a dangerous question to ask myself, i think. it gives me an out way too early on. i can be thinking, "it's only 2 years. all i have to do is survive." that's bad! that's really bad. in this moment, i have too many doubts. but at least i'm conscious of that, right?

home again, home again..

2007-07-14T19:46:00.001-07:00

i finished institute, a.k.a. "the best 5 weeks of hell of my life," a.k.a. teacher boot camp. i taught, or attempted to teach i should say, a class of 11 of atlanta's summer school students according to the 7th grade english standards. ahhhhh! in the end, did my kids learn? yes. in the end, do i know that my students realize how much i care about them? maybe. in the end, do i know that my students have what it takes to be successful 8th graders? no.

today, i left institute kind of angry. no not kind of, really super duper angry. i am angry that one of my kids, a 7th grader, reads on a 2nd grade level. i am angry that my students feel like they need to resort to violence to solve their problems. i am angry that some of the teachers in the school i worked at think it's ok to hit the students. i am angry that my students were tested on a higher level than we were told to teach. i am angry because i didn't do a good enough job preparing my students this summer. i am angry my students' teachers don't all think they can achieve academically. i am angry some of my students believe that the only way to go to college is to play sports. i am angry the bus drivers forgot to pick up a few of my students some days. i am angry that one of my students' mothers is a drug addict, and that my student is suffering because of it. i am angry because one of my students was performing at such a high level academically and then got himself kicked out of summer school because of misbehavior. i am angry that after these 5 weeks of training, i still don't know what it means to be a special education teacher. i am angry that i might not be considered a "real teacher" when i go to my placement in charlotte this fall. i am angry because i think my students will suffer because of those 2 things. i am angry that, because of where my students live, and the color of their skin, they have not received an excellent education. i am angry because my students are not the only ones who face this problem.

i can't let anyone read this and not think there were some successes in my classroom this summer, however big or small. the biggest one was latara: she went from a 47% mastery of the summer school objectives to an 86% mastery within 2 weeks of instruction. she went from being one of the worst behaved students in school (based on what i'm told) to being one of the very best (based on what i actually saw). she was, and is, incredible. my partner's and my students scored the highest out of all the 7th grade english classes in our school on the midterm exam - they made the most academic gains in those first 2 weeks. they rock. and on top of those 2 amazing things, there were a million little things. miracle set a positive example for her classmates and made herself in charge of keeping the students in line when they were walking through the halls. jarrett started raising his hand and participating. evan admitted he couldn't see the board and brought his glasses in. candice could figure out how to say words on a 12th grade reading level. shemeka said she didn't want to get in fights any more. deandre explained to us that "fighting doesn't solve anything," which is why he refuses to do it. ashley consistently got good grades. all of our students could name at least 3 things they learned this summer, and explain them to the class. i love them.

i taught my students for only 4 weeks, i only know bits and pieces of their life stories. but i do love them. sometimes they didn't behave well, sometimes they didn't do well on the assessments, sometimes they didn't come to school, sometimes i could tell they weren't listening to me, sometimes i wanted to run out of the classroom screaming. but i love them. i love them after just 4 short weeks, in spite of or because of all of these things. how will i feel about my future students after 9 or 10 months? now that's intense. i feel the desire, if not the need, to continue to be involved in their lives and show them how much i care. if they don't realize it by now, i'm crazy about them and want nothing less than the best for all of them. i gave them my contact information at the end of summer school and told them to reach me if they ever need ANYTHING. and i mean it. my heart broke when i realized not all my students were there for the last day, and then again when i saw the school buses drive off on friday, and then again when i heard from their afternoon teachers they wanted my partner and me to come back again. how can 13 yr olds affect me this much?

because i drank the koolaid, that's why. i totally believe in what teach for america is doing and why it's important. which is good, because i committed at least the next 2 years of my life to them.

i have harped on this all summer long.. but i really feel like i learned more during my 5 weeks of institute than i did my last 2 years of college. scary. it was the most intense experience i have ever had. i was awake and working hard for my students for about 18 hours a day. and i am leaving knowing that i still could have worked harder. even more scary. listening to the ideas and stories of my colleagues has made me realize i can always do better, which leads me to believe this is going to be a very frustrating process. teach for america hires some of the best and brightest college grads from across the country knowing they are probably going to suck at first, and that it will feel like a kick in the teeth for all of them because they're used to being awesome at everything. and teach for america knows that these same high achieving college grads will fight tooth and nail to actually become good, not only to prove it to themselves but to make a difference for their students. it's amazing. it was amazingly frustrating and rewarding to start going through that process, and to watch others go through it, and it's both frightening and comforting to know i'm not done going through that process. i can still improve, which means i can help my students more and more.

at our closing ceremony on thursday night, the director of tfa's atlanta institute asked us to picture where our students from this summer will be in 10 years. and then she pointed out that it is impossibe to know. that hit me so hard. no matter how much i loved my students this summer, or how much i tried to teach them about middle school english or life in general, it was only 4 weeks and i only have so much control. their lives will be decided by other forces and influences and people. but when i go to charlotte, i'll be there for years. i have the chance to make more of an impact on more students, and i c a n ' t w a i t.