on sunday, mr. evan riley called me. it was one of the most awesome phone calls i've ever received. he's not a movie star or a guy i want to date, he's one of my 7th graders from institute. he "just wanted to call and see how things were going with ms. quick." so cool! his life has been much more interesting than my own since i left atlanta. he's been to the zoo, gone camping and water skiing.. all sorts of fun stuff. and he called me to tell me about it. it doesn't mean that he can all of a sudden read on grade level or that he's ready for 8th grade, but it means i had some sort of positive effect on him, enough for him to want to keep in touch at least. it makes me feel a little guilty for not being the one to initiate contact, with him or any of my other students. notice that it's now wednesday.. and that i haven't called any of my other students still. bad teacher.
i'm a little frustrated with the next phase of life right now. i no longer have a placement in charlotte. boo. i got an email at the beginning of last week telling me the high school i was placed at in charlotte overestimated how many special ed. teachers it would need, and that since i was the last one placed there i would be the first to go. ugh. i mean, it's really fine. i know that it's only july and i'll get a placement eventually, maybe even before the schoolyear starts (fingers crossed!, ha), and that i'm a roll-with-the-punches kind of person so maybe it's better that this happened to me rather than someone else, but it still doesn't help the anxiety i'm feeling about relocating MY LIFE to a new city. going to charlotte without a job.. excellent. i already feel extremely nervous about being a special education teacher, and add that to being unemployed, living in a new city, being a real person, feeling out of shape teacher-ness-wise.. simply frightening. so basically what i'm saying is i'm a big baby.
being scared and being frustrated, etc. are making me unenthusiastic about this whole thing, which is BAD. i have committed 2 years to something really important, something i really really care about as it turns out, and i'm not excited right now. this is how i felt in december and january, but for completely different reasons. and i know now exactly what i knew then: i need to get over it and fast. i've got kids waiting for me in charlotte who need a good teacher, so i need to be a good teacher. being a good teacher means being confident in what i'm doing and why, which means i need to be passionate, which means i need to be wicked energetic. which means i need an attitude adjustment ASAP.
this is my major issue.. towards the end of institute i felt like, i can do this. i can teach a class. but it's still unclear to me what my role in a classroom will be. as a special education teacher in an inclusion setting, i will be the second teacher in the classroom. (fyi: inclusion means that students with special needs are placed in regular classrooms because it's the best environment for them to work towards, and meet, their academic goals.) there will be a general ed. teacher in the class who is primarily responsible for teaching the subject's content. i will be responsible for the students with special needs in that regular ed. classroom in order to make sure they reach their academic goals. but i have so many questions!!! will the gen. ed. teacher respect me since i'm a 1st year teacher? will the gen. ed. teacher respect me since i'm a special ed. teacher? how much responsibility will i have? will i get to plan or deliver any lessons? will the students i'm assigned to benefit from me being in the classroom with them? how will the other students be affected by my presence? what will classroom management look like? what will the classroom itself look like? what grade(s) will i be working with? what subject(s) will i be working with? what if i don't like this?
"what if i don't like this?" is a dangerous question to ask myself, i think. it gives me an out way too early on. i can be thinking, "it's only 2 years. all i have to do is survive." that's bad! that's really bad. in this moment, i have too many doubts. but at least i'm conscious of that, right?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
home again, home again..
i finished institute, a.k.a. "the best 5 weeks of hell of my life," a.k.a. teacher boot camp. i taught, or attempted to teach i should say, a class of 11 of atlanta's summer school students according to the 7th grade english standards. ahhhhh! in the end, did my kids learn? yes. in the end, do i know that my students realize how much i care about them? maybe. in the end, do i know that my students have what it takes to be successful 8th graders? no.
today, i left institute kind of angry. no not kind of, really super duper angry. i am angry that one of my kids, a 7th grader, reads on a 2nd grade level. i am angry that my students feel like they need to resort to violence to solve their problems. i am angry that some of the teachers in the school i worked at think it's ok to hit the students. i am angry that my students were tested on a higher level than we were told to teach. i am angry because i didn't do a good enough job preparing my students this summer. i am angry my students' teachers don't all think they can achieve academically. i am angry some of my students believe that the only way to go to college is to play sports. i am angry the bus drivers forgot to pick up a few of my students some days. i am angry that one of my students' mothers is a drug addict, and that my student is suffering because of it. i am angry because one of my students was performing at such a high level academically and then got himself kicked out of summer school because of misbehavior. i am angry that after these 5 weeks of training, i still don't know what it means to be a special education teacher. i am angry that i might not be considered a "real teacher" when i go to my placement in charlotte this fall. i am angry because i think my students will suffer because of those 2 things. i am angry that, because of where my students live, and the color of their skin, they have not received an excellent education. i am angry because my students are not the only ones who face this problem.
i can't let anyone read this and not think there were some successes in my classroom this summer, however big or small. the biggest one was latara: she went from a 47% mastery of the summer school objectives to an 86% mastery within 2 weeks of instruction. she went from being one of the worst behaved students in school (based on what i'm told) to being one of the very best (based on what i actually saw). she was, and is, incredible. my partner's and my students scored the highest out of all the 7th grade english classes in our school on the midterm exam - they made the most academic gains in those first 2 weeks. they rock. and on top of those 2 amazing things, there were a million little things. miracle set a positive example for her classmates and made herself in charge of keeping the students in line when they were walking through the halls. jarrett started raising his hand and participating. evan admitted he couldn't see the board and brought his glasses in. candice could figure out how to say words on a 12th grade reading level. shemeka said she didn't want to get in fights any more. deandre explained to us that "fighting doesn't solve anything," which is why he refuses to do it. ashley consistently got good grades. all of our students could name at least 3 things they learned this summer, and explain them to the class. i love them.
i taught my students for only 4 weeks, i only know bits and pieces of their life stories. but i do love them. sometimes they didn't behave well, sometimes they didn't do well on the assessments, sometimes they didn't come to school, sometimes i could tell they weren't listening to me, sometimes i wanted to run out of the classroom screaming. but i love them. i love them after just 4 short weeks, in spite of or because of all of these things. how will i feel about my future students after 9 or 10 months? now that's intense. i feel the desire, if not the need, to continue to be involved in their lives and show them how much i care. if they don't realize it by now, i'm crazy about them and want nothing less than the best for all of them. i gave them my contact information at the end of summer school and told them to reach me if they ever need ANYTHING. and i mean it. my heart broke when i realized not all my students were there for the last day, and then again when i saw the school buses drive off on friday, and then again when i heard from their afternoon teachers they wanted my partner and me to come back again. how can 13 yr olds affect me this much?
because i drank the koolaid, that's why. i totally believe in what teach for america is doing and why it's important. which is good, because i committed at least the next 2 years of my life to them.
i have harped on this all summer long.. but i really feel like i learned more during my 5 weeks of institute than i did my last 2 years of college. scary. it was the most intense experience i have ever had. i was awake and working hard for my students for about 18 hours a day. and i am leaving knowing that i still could have worked harder. even more scary. listening to the ideas and stories of my colleagues has made me realize i can always do better, which leads me to believe this is going to be a very frustrating process. teach for america hires some of the best and brightest college grads from across the country knowing they are probably going to suck at first, and that it will feel like a kick in the teeth for all of them because they're used to being awesome at everything. and teach for america knows that these same high achieving college grads will fight tooth and nail to actually become good, not only to prove it to themselves but to make a difference for their students. it's amazing. it was amazingly frustrating and rewarding to start going through that process, and to watch others go through it, and it's both frightening and comforting to know i'm not done going through that process. i can still improve, which means i can help my students more and more.
at our closing ceremony on thursday night, the director of tfa's atlanta institute asked us to picture where our students from this summer will be in 10 years. and then she pointed out that it is impossibe to know. that hit me so hard. no matter how much i loved my students this summer, or how much i tried to teach them about middle school english or life in general, it was only 4 weeks and i only have so much control. their lives will be decided by other forces and influences and people. but when i go to charlotte, i'll be there for years. i have the chance to make more of an impact on more students, and i c a n ' t w a i t.
today, i left institute kind of angry. no not kind of, really super duper angry. i am angry that one of my kids, a 7th grader, reads on a 2nd grade level. i am angry that my students feel like they need to resort to violence to solve their problems. i am angry that some of the teachers in the school i worked at think it's ok to hit the students. i am angry that my students were tested on a higher level than we were told to teach. i am angry because i didn't do a good enough job preparing my students this summer. i am angry my students' teachers don't all think they can achieve academically. i am angry some of my students believe that the only way to go to college is to play sports. i am angry the bus drivers forgot to pick up a few of my students some days. i am angry that one of my students' mothers is a drug addict, and that my student is suffering because of it. i am angry because one of my students was performing at such a high level academically and then got himself kicked out of summer school because of misbehavior. i am angry that after these 5 weeks of training, i still don't know what it means to be a special education teacher. i am angry that i might not be considered a "real teacher" when i go to my placement in charlotte this fall. i am angry because i think my students will suffer because of those 2 things. i am angry that, because of where my students live, and the color of their skin, they have not received an excellent education. i am angry because my students are not the only ones who face this problem.
i can't let anyone read this and not think there were some successes in my classroom this summer, however big or small. the biggest one was latara: she went from a 47% mastery of the summer school objectives to an 86% mastery within 2 weeks of instruction. she went from being one of the worst behaved students in school (based on what i'm told) to being one of the very best (based on what i actually saw). she was, and is, incredible. my partner's and my students scored the highest out of all the 7th grade english classes in our school on the midterm exam - they made the most academic gains in those first 2 weeks. they rock. and on top of those 2 amazing things, there were a million little things. miracle set a positive example for her classmates and made herself in charge of keeping the students in line when they were walking through the halls. jarrett started raising his hand and participating. evan admitted he couldn't see the board and brought his glasses in. candice could figure out how to say words on a 12th grade reading level. shemeka said she didn't want to get in fights any more. deandre explained to us that "fighting doesn't solve anything," which is why he refuses to do it. ashley consistently got good grades. all of our students could name at least 3 things they learned this summer, and explain them to the class. i love them.
i taught my students for only 4 weeks, i only know bits and pieces of their life stories. but i do love them. sometimes they didn't behave well, sometimes they didn't do well on the assessments, sometimes they didn't come to school, sometimes i could tell they weren't listening to me, sometimes i wanted to run out of the classroom screaming. but i love them. i love them after just 4 short weeks, in spite of or because of all of these things. how will i feel about my future students after 9 or 10 months? now that's intense. i feel the desire, if not the need, to continue to be involved in their lives and show them how much i care. if they don't realize it by now, i'm crazy about them and want nothing less than the best for all of them. i gave them my contact information at the end of summer school and told them to reach me if they ever need ANYTHING. and i mean it. my heart broke when i realized not all my students were there for the last day, and then again when i saw the school buses drive off on friday, and then again when i heard from their afternoon teachers they wanted my partner and me to come back again. how can 13 yr olds affect me this much?
because i drank the koolaid, that's why. i totally believe in what teach for america is doing and why it's important. which is good, because i committed at least the next 2 years of my life to them.
i have harped on this all summer long.. but i really feel like i learned more during my 5 weeks of institute than i did my last 2 years of college. scary. it was the most intense experience i have ever had. i was awake and working hard for my students for about 18 hours a day. and i am leaving knowing that i still could have worked harder. even more scary. listening to the ideas and stories of my colleagues has made me realize i can always do better, which leads me to believe this is going to be a very frustrating process. teach for america hires some of the best and brightest college grads from across the country knowing they are probably going to suck at first, and that it will feel like a kick in the teeth for all of them because they're used to being awesome at everything. and teach for america knows that these same high achieving college grads will fight tooth and nail to actually become good, not only to prove it to themselves but to make a difference for their students. it's amazing. it was amazingly frustrating and rewarding to start going through that process, and to watch others go through it, and it's both frightening and comforting to know i'm not done going through that process. i can still improve, which means i can help my students more and more.
at our closing ceremony on thursday night, the director of tfa's atlanta institute asked us to picture where our students from this summer will be in 10 years. and then she pointed out that it is impossibe to know. that hit me so hard. no matter how much i loved my students this summer, or how much i tried to teach them about middle school english or life in general, it was only 4 weeks and i only have so much control. their lives will be decided by other forces and influences and people. but when i go to charlotte, i'll be there for years. i have the chance to make more of an impact on more students, and i c a n ' t w a i t.
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