9 days down, now only 171 more to go..

dear god, teaching is hard. i'm pretty sure i am slightly bruised and broken after my first two weeks. and for that, as akon says (and my students repeat like it's shakespeare), "you can put the blame on me." myself, i prefer to quote frank mccourt (slash the dead language of latin): "mea culpa."

it's really not the WHOLE week that was hell. just my 3rd block most of those days. not even all of those days. it's amazing how everything can be going soooo well, and then 10 minutes all of a sudden can just send that perfect day flying off track, straight towards hell. it's also amazing that 10th graders, innocent little 10th graders, could be responsible for that. HA. some of my 10th graders probably pride themselves on their ability to fluster their teachers, and they're quite good at it so maybe they should be proud, but by the end of the semester they will have learned. i made an important realization on that hellish first wednesday of my teaching career. ahem. teacher philisophy i will live by number one is: they don't have to like me. we will not be friends. but they do have to learn from me. that is all i require.

let me tell you about that first wednesday. first block went swimmingly. i taught a lesson on malleable intelligence. all the students understood the lesson and hopefully were able to internalize its importance. fabulous. second block was great! i taught a lesson on multiple intelligences and was sooo impressed by the discussion that took place amongst the students and how quietly and capably they did their group and independent work. i was positively prepared for that same lesson to go just as well in my third block class. i was so wrong. first of all, the students were completely confused about how and why i was standing up in front of the classroom ready to teach. "hey, i thought she was just the assistant?" "you're not a real teacher, where's mr. so and so?" oh boy. so i made it through the first 30 minutes, relatively unscathed. found solace in my peanut butter & jelly sandwich during lunchtime and managed to regroup for round 2 when the students got back from lunch. when i heard the students approaching, i headed back to the classroom to find the door locked because my co-teacher had not yet returned from his not-so-much-allowed-lunch-out-of-the-building. great. so i get a campus security associate to unlock the door and try to wrangle the children into the room. thisclose to impossible. "you're not my teacher." "i don't even know who that lady is." "i don't have to listen to you when mr. so and so isn't around." "the late bell didn't ring yet, i'm not coming in." awesome. wonderful. i have lost control. oh wait, i didn't have control to begin with so couldn't have lost it. eventually the students come in and sit down, i try to start back up where we left off... nobody's being quiet, they're trying to rattle me by calling me "the assistant" and snapping their fingers at me, pointing out the fact that i'm the only white woman in the room and they don't respect me. teacher's inner dialogue: "ok, lindsey, keep your cool. if they see you get rattled they'll never give in." teacher's address to the class: "all right, everyone needs to be completely silent. heads down on your desks. the lights are going out. when you can act like respectable young adults we'll start again." student response: "pssshhhh, we're not kindergarteners. why you treating us like little kids?!" teacher's response: "if you are going to act like kindergarteners, i will treat you like kindergarteners. now close your mouths and put your heads down. 3 minutes. go." teacher's inner dialogue: "i'm going to die in this classroom, aren't i? it's going to be painful and humiliating." 3 minutes go by, students were quiet throughout, we start again. i finish the lesson to the best of my ability, my co-teacher eventually comes back from his extended-not-so-much-allowed-lunch and has the audacity to applaud the students for having come around and behaved so beautifully today and then asks them to give ME a round of applause for having planned and delivered a lesson. i was right about the humiliation part. dammit. class ends 5 minutes later, i run down the hallway to my own classroom and proceed to burst into tears. at least the students didn't see it happen, right? but my co-teacher and another colleague got to see the show. ugh, my life.

i went home that night and relayed my story to anyone who would listen and pity me. it didn't make me feel much better, but at least people knew how miserable i was, i guess. then i got to thinking, and that's when i stumbled across teacher philosophy i will live by number one, as well as number two. teacher philosophy i will live by number two says: kill them with kindness. it is better for them to think you are untouchable than to know they can shake you to your core, so you must become the comeback kid. do it. and i did it! i went back the next day with a smile on my face, giving assistance and positive feedback wherever possible, and in general appeared to be unaffected. i think it surprised a few of them. the one student who was the meanest and made the most pointed and cruel comments the day before said to me, "ms. quick, you know, that was kind of cool of you, not ratting on us for being so bad to mr. so and so." well, student, there is no reason for us to be cool or on anything more than reasonably good terms, but if that what it's going to take for you to start acting respectful towards me, then fine.

this is what brings me to teacher philosophy i will live by number three: the belief that teachers should not smile until after thanksgiving is bogus, for me at least. if you know me at all, you know it is not my way to be extremely sullen and stern. i must smile and be pleasant in order to be myself. as a teacher, i will be nothing more or less than authentic. it will ultimately make me more successful than being fake-mean ever could.

one of my students, a 17 year old still in the nineth grade, cannot do simple math problems without counting on his fingers. and even then, he has difficulty. one of my students reads on a fourth grade level. many of my students are completely unfamiliar with organizing an essay into paragraphs, and if they do use paragraphs at all they do not capitalize or punctuate correctly. my students, generally, do not know how to keep themselves organized or how to study for tests or take notes or any of the most basic student functions. it is horrendous. yet they made it to high school, right into my classroom. so this is why i'm here, and this is why i'm so excited about my study skills class. in the very least, the students will have concrete information, strategies and suggestions on how to go about obtaining and practicing these skills. if you were a policy studies major at syracuse university, you would know that professor coplin wrote a book titled 10 things employers want you to learn in college. you would also know that a curriculum was created based on that book to teach to young students in order to prepare them for the real world. i am going to use said curriculum to convince my students of the importance of little things like taking legible notes and kicking yourself in the butt. even though they're used to not doing anything but their work from other classes or sleeping in study skills class, they will learn from me. dammit.

to get back to "putting the blame on me," and "mea culpa," i will share teacher philosophy i will live by number four: as the teacher, you set the tone. you are the instructional leader in the classroom and are ultimately responsible for all of your students' actions while they are in your care. it is your duty to shape them into the student they need to be, which includes a well-behaved young adult. if i had realized that ahead of time, i mean really realized it and not just assumed that it would happen all by itself, i would not have stayed silent for most of the class while letting my co-teacher go on and on about himself and his expectations for the class. i would have made sure my name and contact info were included in the syllabus and that i had my own space in the classroom. i would have made it clear that i, too, run the show in room 132 and i am a force to be reckoned with. for now, i will remember that on the next first day of school.

a couple times in the past two weeks, i thought about the possibility of there not being a next first day of school. what if i'm not cut out for this? what if i can't do it? what if i fail my students? what if i fail myself? what if i had a regular 9 to 5 job that didn't require me to bring work home with me? mental head slap. the fact that i ask myself a few of these questions serves as reaffirmation that i need to be here, and that i care about my students, and that passion (and sometimes compassion) serves as evidence that i am cut out for this and need to serve my students to the best of my ability. maybe my abilities aren't that great, but they'll get better. and then everyone will need to watch out for ms. quick. i also had a moment on friday of my second week of teaching that reaffirmed this for me. i am calling it my first "this is why i teach for america" moment. it was glorious.

this moment could not have come at a better time, let me tell you. you can probably understand why at this point. on friday in third block we assigned the tenth grade students their first major assignment: a personal reflection essay. it must be at least 5 paragraphs, 1.5 pages. it is due on monday, and if it is not completed by then the highest grade they will receive on their final draft is a 75 - only 5 points above passing. yes, i do smile at my students, but no, i don't cut them any slack when it comes to academic instruction. one of those tenth graders has study skills with another resource teacher fourth block, so i informed her that he could come over to my classroom during my planning period and work on his paper if she had nothing else planned for him. he did in fact come over, and got right down to work. he had a million questions, and even when they were answered to the best of my ability he struggled to get any words down on the page. i went over his ideas and his first paragraph with him over and over, but he just wasn't happy with it. he used the word "to" too many times. it wasn't interesting enough. his ideas were silly. no way! this is great stuff, you're doing a fabulous job, keep writing, progress will make you feel better, i'm here to help you. still, he wasn't satisfied. i finally asked him, "what is wrong with what you're doing? i think you're off to a great start." he looked me in the eyes and said, "ms. quick, no other teacher has ever made me write like this before. like, in paragraphs for a whole page and a half. i used to get by with just one big block of words. this is the first time i really have to do something hard. i just want to make sure i do a good job this first time." ... do you have tears welling up in your eyes? because i do, again. BE STILL MY HEART! if that doesn't make me ready and raring to go at 4:30 on monday morning of my third week, and all the weeks after that, i don't know what will. that student will probably never know how much those words meant to me or why, but he has inspired me to push my students past their limits and get them to actually produce quality work. i am so excited about the possibilities of this job.

i am excited, but i have to admit this is the hardest job of all time. it is not hard because of standing up in front of a classroom or because of the lesson plans i have to write for every day. it is hard for reasons like my heart hurts when my 17 year old student cannot do mental math and yet he has made it to high school. this job is hard because i truly care about my students' lives and how they are and will be affected by academic success versus failure. because i truly care, i will work a million times harder, and this job will be a million times harder, but no one will suffer for that hard work. my students will benefit from their academic successes, and i will live in a better world because they are well-educated.

it is not to complain, but merely to illustrate what it might be like to be a teacher who cares, that i would like to show you my daily schedule now that i'm gainfully employed as an educator. mind you, there are people who do much, much more, which should be frightening and consoling at the same time.

4:30 am - wake up
4:35-5:05 - run on treadmill
5:10-6:00 - get ready for school
6:00-6:10 - drive to school
6:10-7:15 - get ready for the day
7:15 - 8:45 - 1st block (study skills)
8:50 - 10:30 - 2nd block (english III)
10:25 - 11:06 - 3rd block (fundamentals of composition)
11:06 - 11:36 - lunch (aka, sanity time)
11:36 - 12:36 pm - 3rd block continued
12:41 - 2:15 - 4th block (planning)
2:15 - 5ish - continue to do work at school
5ish - 5:15 - drive home
5:30ish - eat dinner, watch tv
6:00 - 8:00 - do more work
8:00 - 9:00 - wind down for the night, watch some tv, make some phone calls
9:00 pm - bedtime

this does not include teach for america meetings added in on some days, or extra training i need to attend after school, or sporting events i will go to in order to see my students be awesome in other ways or the extended day program i might teach when the time comes. it's just a rough outline. i realized on saturday morning when i woke up that i had been awake the day before for 21 hours. 4:30 am wake up call, 1:30 am bedtime. ouch. but worthwhile. i know, i know. you're jealous. who wouldn't be? i get to see that young adults get the most out of their high school tenure every day. life is pretty good.