it's been a long time coming, but we made it.

the students who put me on the highway to crazytown as tenth graders during my first year of teaching are now putting the finishing touches on their last days of high school. they are soooooo ready to to graduate from high school, and partially because of that, i was dropped right back into the fast lane headed toward insanity during the past semester. honestly, i went in and out of my dark place quite a few times this semester because of the ongoing struggles i've had with a couple of my students. but now that i am able to look back on the semester as a whole... i'm pretty pleased with how things turned out.

i made a major transition in my teaching career in january - i switched from being a special education resource/inclusion teacher to a general education english teacher. it's been an extremely valuable and eye opening experience for me. as an inclusion teacher, i was usually responsible for upholding and enforcing the instructional and classroom management expectations of the general education teacher. i fit myself in wherever i was allowed. some co-teachers gave me more freedom than others. so co-teachers were better to work with than others. some co-teachers made me want to pull all of my hair out more than others... but all in all, i suppose it was a good experience for me to ease my way into the classroom and to give additional support to the students who needed it. it was difficult for me to change gears, especially in the midst of a the school year, but i was pretty happy to make the switch. during the past semester, i have had complete control over everything that has gone on in my classroom, for better and for worse.

i can still honestly say that i've never broken down in front of my students when presented with serious shenanigans. this semester though, i came pretty freakin' close. i made a pact with myself that i would deal with all problems in my classroom internally, provided they weren't life-and-death-serious situations, of course. i have talked a big game over the past couple years and i wanted to be able to back it up by being someone who could handle the every day issues that take place within the classroom by setting high expectations and enforcing them consistently. i didn't want to become one of those teachers who writes a disciplinary referral over every little thing and make the administration regret the decision they made to put me in charge of a group of students who needed a strong instructional leader. i can't lie, i also kind of lost faith in the system when a student threatened to punch me in the face, and was completely serious about it, and then was back in my class the next day. anyway... things didn't always go exactly as planned. there are so many instances where i know i could have done better. i know that those particular instances were the cause of the majority of my headaches and that i brought a lot of my problems upon myself because i failed to be as consistent as i should have been, or to motivate my students as much as i should have, or to have set and enforced high enough expectations. when i talked all of this out with my mother she asked me, "well lindsey, did anyone die because of what you did or did not do?" no, no one died. we all came out of this semester relatively unscathed."did your students learn?" yes, they definitely did. "well lindsey," she said, "then i think you can claim at least some success." as usual, thank you, mom.

according to my records, all of my classes exceeded our goal of mastering 80% or more of the tested state standards. at least 80% of my students scored a 3 or 4 on the necessary portions of their graduation projects. each and every student has made growth towards being more proficient/advanced readers and writers. i'm extremely proud of all of my students achievements. honestly, i'm proud of myself too.

a good number of my colleagues are known complain about the students who they teach. they're stuck with those kids who have behavior problems and are low performers. they blame the students for their consistently low achievement and poor behavior, and they blame their parents for letting them be the way they are. they blame the administration for scheduling them all together in one class. in a training about the new method of evaluating teacher performance the other day, one of my colleagues said something to the effect of, "you mean to tell me that i am responsible for the way students act in my classroom?!" ummm, yeah, i'd say so. first of all, you shouldn't bother to complain about things that are out of your control. someone else makes the schedule and we as teachers must deal with it. we all do it, but it's pointless. end of story. second of all, as the instructional leaders, we set the tone. if we put in the time and effort to be consistent with our expectations of student achievement and behavior, students will in fact rise to the occasion. third, in so many instances, unfortunately, our students were not explicitly taught how to act in various situations and so in those moments we must rise to the occasion and set an example in order to show students how to act. is it a huge investment of ourselves as teachers? yes, absolutely. and is it completely and totally worthwhile as a member of a school and global community? oh my good god, yes!

as this school year comes to a close, it is of course a definite relief to me that i will no longer have to see a select few students on a daily basis. once again, i know it's my own fault that it came to this... all the same, PHEW! but instead of concentrating on any of the negativity i am left with at the end of the 2009-2010 school year, i'd much rather focus on the positive.

on this past friday, my school held our annual senior awards ceremony. as one of the senior english teacher, i was presented with the great task of deciding who would be recognized for their achievement in english. there are so many students who i would like to give awards to, but i could only pick 3. ugh. i decided that i wanted to give awards to students who probably wouldn't receive them otherwise. i know how hard it is to sit through an awards ceremony hearing the same names over and over, and never getting the opportunity to receive anything. it sucks. i wanted to try to remedy that just a little bit for a few students. the first student i chose was one of my students from first semester who blew his classmates away with his presentation skills. he's got an inherent gift to organize and articulate his thoughts and to then present them in front of a group. the second student i chose was also one of my students from first semester, and is a student who came to class with a positive attitude every day and worked her butt off to improve her writing. she has amazing ideas and creativity and has improved so much in expressing them in a written format. the third student i chose is the one i am most proud of. this student comes with a serious disclaimer. other teachers might disagree with my choice because of negative interactions they've had with this student. this student can be mouthy and obnoxious at times, but deep down i know she's really a good kid. she just literally doesn't have the coping mechanisms to deal with her own emotions. she struggles to contain herself. i can't imagine how hard that must be. in the end though, she has come so far and has made so much progress in regard to her behavior and her academics. i have taught her for three years and i have seen that progress firsthand. this student hasn't received all that much positive attention in her life. she also hasn't had it all that easy in her eighteen years. i wanted to take this opportunity to recognize her strengths in front of her peers in a positive way. she received the "most improved" award for english. her smile when she came up to receive the award made it all worthwhile.

i recently realized that i have been in school for more than twenty years - over two decades. it frightens me that i am old enough to actually say that. good or bad, i know that i'm still not done. i have another year until i finish my masters degree and then i'll eventually go back to school for my PhD, probably in urban education. during the past three years, i have figured out that my love for learning stems from the fact that i am good at it. i know how to be a good student and thrive on academic success. a lot of my students don't share this innate love of mine, and that is likely because they do not necessarily know how to learn and/or experience that much academic success. i know i can't change that for all students, but i'm trying really hard to change it for some. i try to plan engaging lessons that make the information easy to understand and fun to interact with. it's really hard to do that every day, and i can't say that i'm always successfull... but i'm trying.

one of my students wrote this about me in his senior book, "Ms. Quick, I know that our class wasn't always your favorite because we weren't always good, but no matter what you came back every day and made us learn important things that will help us in the future. I earned the highest grades on tests of my entire high school career in your class because you pushed me to do that. Thank you." that may just be one student, but it's a start.

Make College Pay Off: The #1 School of Education in the United States

Make College Pay Off: The #1 School of Education in the United States

when you come to a fork in the road, take it.

my two-year commitment to teach for america has come to an end. over. finished. done-zo. most of the people who are in my shoes realized that they were at a major crossroads in their lives months ago, and planned accordingly. as i write, they are packing boxes, driving cross-country in u-hauls, coming to terms with becoming students again themselves or starting new jobs. and here i am... still in charlotte... still planning to teach in my original TFA placement school... coming to terms with the fact that the majority of my social circle and support structure has up and left me. jerkfaces.

it's not that i don't want to continue to teach. i do. there's nothing else in the world that i'd rather be doing. my students, especially my seniors, confirmed this for me. i think i'm just feeling left behind. based on the brainwashing i have endured over the past 2+ years, TFA corps members are probably supposed to move on and up in order to effect change on a broader scale than in the classroom. a lot of my colleagues are doing just that. i'm not. in addition, the moment my seniors graduated it became more than likely that i will never see some of them again. hopefully they also will go on to do bigger and better things. i'll still be at berry, pushing and prodding my students to do their best. am i ashamed to be left behind? sad yes, but ashamed? never.

at the end of the school year, i came to realize the impact i had on my students personally, and maybe more importantly and permanently, the impact they had on me. on the last day of classes, my co-teacher and i stood in front of the class attempting to say our goodbyes. our fourth block class, full of seniors, had checked out long ago and wasn't entirely producing the response we wanted or expected. we both kind of gave up. i felt myself getting all choked up and had to move to the back of the room to compose myself. needless to say, i couldn't. i was overcome with pride and disappointment, joy and grief all at the same time. as soon as the tears started to fall, one of my students came over to give me a hug and realized what was going on. "ms. quick, are you crying? yo everybody, ms. quick is crying!" at that point, the class crowded around and gave me a group hug to try and make me feel better. it made me cry even more, but i appreciated the sentiment more than they will ever know.

because i wasn't able to say everything i would have liked to in those closing moments, i wrote the following letter to the class in order to express my love and admiration for them:

To my favorite students,

I didn't get the chance to say everything I wanted to yesterday, and since I might not see you today, I wanted to make sure I shared my thoughts with you before it was too late. It's probably better this way since I'm terrible at emotional goodbyes, and this is obviously an emotional goodbye for me, so here goes...

As I've already told all of you, I am so proud of everything you have accomplished over the past semester. Despite your numerical grade in this class, you and I both know how hard you have worked. You are not defined by the grade you earn on this final exam. You are defined by the effort you put forth throughout the semester and the amazing character you have shown. Even still, you should try your hardest this morning in order to show the world how smart you are and how hard you've worked.

I feel so honored to have been able to play a part in your successes, as well as your struggles. We all have some days that are better or worse than others, but we have gotten through them together this semester. I believe this is a testament to the bonds we've built. I've been thinking a lot about family lately, and I realized that you all are my family. I've spent more time with you in the past two years than I have spent with my own family in the past six years. I don't regret a moment of it.

You mean the world to me. Ms. Shadyac and I have invested a lot of time and energy into helping you in any way we can because you are worth it. You will always be worth my time and energy, and I hope you know that. In the future, please let me know when and how I can help you. I will be there at the drop of a hat.

Finally, thank you. Thank you for being your amazing, impressive and fabulous selves. Thank you for welcoming me into your hearts and minds. Thank you for letting us push you almost to your breaking points, and thank you for trusting that we knew what was best and that we had your best interests at heart.

With all my heart, I congratulate you on your accomplishments. I'll see you on the 12th!

Much love,
Ms. Lindsey Quick

i am so completely and utterly proud of those students. i know how hard most of them have worked in order to make it to their high school graduation. these are the students who helped me feel welcome and comfortable at berry academy during my first year of teaching. i am forever indebted to them. i also have to say, that i am proud of myself. first of all, this was the first emotional display i succumbed to in the past two years, and it wasn't something i was embarrassed by. i also know that i have worked harder in order to ensure the success of these students than i ever worked in order to ensure my own. i'm not attempting to be self-righteous, describing the sacrifices i've made for my students. i'm simply trying to say that i've come a long way in the past six years. i used to be entirely self-centered, motivated only by the potential for my own successes. my initial interest in teach for america only came about because of the prestige involved with being accepted. i don't even know that person any more. that's what i'm proud of.

at the end of my two-year commitment to teaching in one of the country's most under-served communities, i have come to a crossroads. i could return to school and pursue a professional degree. i could look for a more glamorous job in the private or public sector. i will do neither of those things. i will continue to teach because educational inequality is not a problem that can be solved in two years. i know that i cannot solve this problem alone, but i also know that i need to keep working to make a difference in the lives of students, and working on being a better person, until i am no longer useful at either of those things. i came to that proverbial fork in the road, and i decided to take it.

i, too, have a dream.

today is monday, january 19, 2009. today is recognized as martin luther king, jr. day. today is also the eve of the inauguration of the 44th president of the united states of america, mr. barack obama. yesterday there was a concert at the lincoln memorial in celebration of the president-elect. at that same memorial, martin luther king, jr. delivered one of the most famous speeches in american history in order to bring further recognition to the civil rights movement. on the days leading up to yesterday's concert, mr. obama journeyed across the heartland of america on a train just as abraham lincoln had before his own inauguration as president. i find myself feeling full of emotion as i sit here thinking about the symbolism involved in all of these events. i have to wonder if martin luther king, jr. ever imagined that tomorrow's inauguration would ever, could ever, take place.

on august 28, 1963, standing on the steps of the lincoln memorial, dr. martin luther king, jr. said:

"Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition."

it cannot be said today that african americans are now free from the chains of discrimination, but the fact that yesterday, forty years, four months and twenty-one days later, barack obama sat on the steps of the lincoln memorial (albeit surrounded by bullet proof glass) listening to bruce springsteen urging the american public to "come on up for the rising" speaks volumes about what our society is capable of. we are capable of judging people based on their own merit, rather than the color of their skin. we are capable of coming together to celebrate our similarities, rather than falling apart because of our differences. we are capable of putting aside our individual interests for the greater good, rather than dwelling in greed. we are capable of so much more than what we have demonstrated as a people over time, and i have hope that some day we will attain that.

during the presidential campaign, i suppose i realized the true significance of the impending election. whether it is because of the career i have chosen, or the community i work in, or my age, or a variety of other factors, i suppose i understood how important it was for barack obama to win this election. my personal feelings about the other candidate and his runningmate aside, i thought that the election of mr. barack obama needed to happen because it would start to reveal our potential. i also thought about how important it was to my students that barack obama win this election.

now i preface this by saying i'm just a suburban white girl, but i hope i have gained some insight into the hearts and minds of my students as well as a slight understanding of the culture they come from. while i was home for the winter break, i tried to explain my job to someone who had grown up in the same almost-all-white town as me. he couldn't help but question why my students achieved at such a low level, and blame them and their parents for it, and wonder why they didn't want to go to college and be successful. i tried to explain. most of my students and their families are struggling to just get by. their parents don't have college degrees, and neither do their parents' parents, or their aunts and uncles, or their neighbors. they weren't raised to know how to take school seriously, or why it is important to do well academically. that is not the life as they know it where they come from, as it was for us. whereas i grew up looking up to my grandfather, who put himself through college and graduated with honors from syracuse university to go on to become very successful, they don't have people that close to them who have been successful. quite honestly, within their own communities, they don't have that many people who look like they do who have been successful. so they turn to pro athletes and hip hop moguls to be their role models. but now, someone who looks like them, who grew up in a single-parent household and was raised by his grandparents, is going to be the president of the united states of america. i hope that this is as significant to my students as it is to me.

if i were to write a letter to president-elect barack obama, this is what it would say:

Dear Mr. Obama,

Above all else, I would like to thank you for being elected as President of the United States of America. I say that before I say congratulations because, as you have stated so many times during your campaign for the presidency, this election is not necessarily about you. It is about the hope that has been cultivated in the hearts and minds of American citizens all over our great country. It is about the droves of people who came out to the polls, some for the first time, because they truly believe that this time their voice would be heard. And it is also about the young people whom I work with every day who can now believe that anything truly is possible through hard work and dedication.

I teach in an urban high school in Charlotte, North Carolina. My students are primarily African American boys. If even for one moment they have considered becoming a lawyer, or a politician, or a community activist, or even just a college student, instead of becoming a professional basketball player or a rap star, you have been successful. Your purpose in running for president might have been to bring change to America overall rather than to change the mindsets of young, black men, but I think it is a positive side effect nonetheless, don't you?

Your energy and spirit have awakened many people to politics who were otherwise disinterested or disenfranchised. However your tenure as our nation's president may turn out, you have already done so much for the people of this country. For that, I thank you.

And finally, I would like to congratulate you on your victory as President of the United States of America. Please do not let my students down.

Sincerely,
Lindsey R. Quick

somewhat like dr. martin luther king, jr., i also have a dream. i have a dream that one day, my students will realize their potential. i have a dream that one day, my students and all students will have the opportunity to be successful beyond measure. i have a dream, that one day, all children will have the opportunity to attain an excellent education. i hope that it will not be another forty years or more before that can come true.

are we there yet?

there are only six teaching days left until winter break. six. too many to count on one hand, but still in the single digits. good deal. at this time last year, i had almost reached my breaking point mentally and physically. kicking and screaming and crying all the way, i returned to charlotte after thanksgiving to continue teaching for four more weeks until winter break. this year, the return to charlotte was much less painful. maybe it was because i'm more mature, or more comfortable with my life in charlotte, or the distance between my family and myself. maybe it's because there were only three weeks between that break, and our christmas break. either way, i was pretty proud of myself. when i returned to charlotte, i realized that i was not the only one counting down to our next vacation. as it turns out, so was every other teacher and every single student. teachers were ready to power through those three weeks, but students were ready to snooze through them. quite the dilemma.

a lot has happened in the past few months. i've taken over my first period class because my co-teacher has gone m.i.a. on medical leave. i have been verbally threatened by one of my students. i've been cursed out on several occasions. five or more students have been suspended from school because of their actions in one of my classes. i even made a kid cry. despite all of this, i don't feel all that bad. one of the greatest lessons i have learned thus far is to not take things students do personally. it's a very liberating philosophy. it does not entirely vindicate me of my professional responsibilities, of course. i still hold myself accountable for quality instruction and follow-up with my students. but their actions, or lack of actions, do not dictate my reaction.

many times i have hear the saying, "you can't let them see you sweat." it's so very true. students are psychological geniuses. maybe they're not always so hot on vocabulary quizzes, but they sure can figure out how to push their teachers' buttons. teaching is a perfect example of survival of the fittest - only the strong survive. and they survive by adapting to their environments. more specifically, they learn lessons the hard way and then know what not to do the next time around. last year, i would get frazzled in front of my students, and they would immediately pounce. this year, i wait quietly by until their finished acting foolish. i'm sure some day i'll actually figure out how to avoid the foolishness altogether, but we're talking baby steps here. i try not to raise my voice. i try not to become visibly frustrated or annoyed. i don't take failures to comply with academic or behavioral policies to heart. i just become disappointed. i'm disappointed my students don't always do the right thing, but i'll live and we'll move on to the next objective. disappointment is an emotion that i can wear outwardly without giving anything away that's going on inwardly. in addition, i know that in my own life, disappointment has been my greatest fear. i've always tried to stay on the straight and narrow because i didn't want to disappoint my mother. i don't know if it translates to my students' lives, but i'm hoping so.

the professional organization that i am affiliated with often talks about 'locus of control' - teacher actions dictate student actions. i'm sorry, but i don't see how my actions dictated a student telling me he would 'bust me in my grill.' i don't see how my actions caused one of my students to have 25 absences from my class this semester. i don't see how my actions invite kids to maintain a 34% average in my class. i can see how my lax attendance policy allows kids to come in late sometimes first period, and how my acceptance of late work for partial credit permits students to wait until the last minute to turn in assignments occasionally... but 23 absences? a 34% average? you have to TRY to do those things. those students are serious in their intent to fail, and who am i to stop them? my sarcasm doesn't demonstrate how often i've tried to turn things around for my students who fall into these categories - how many phone calls i've made to parents/guardians, how many make-up assignments i've sent home, how many one-on-one conversations i've had with my students, how many times i've told them how much i care about them and want them to achieve. i want ALL of my students to achieve, even if they want to bust me in my grill sometimes. i'm just not going to take responsibility for 100% of the battle. 50%, maybe even 75%, sure. but not the whole thing. if i do that, what lesson does it teach my students?

i also advise two extracurricular student organizations. this attitude applies outside of the classroom. i am the advisor for the relay for life club. relay for life is the american cancer society's signature event in order to raise money and community awareness for cancer research and the support of cancer patients and their families. this organization is extremely important to me. my grandmother died of pancreatic cancer, one of the deadliest forms of the disease. i am serious in my intent to raise money for this organization in order to help find a cure for cancer. the students i advise are not as serious. the club is more social than anything, and i can tell you that as of right now, we've accomplished next to nothing. the same can be said for the other student organization i co-advise with another teacher. lack of interest and effort on the behalf of the students is causing these organizations to not take off as they could, or even should. as much as i want to spearhead the efforts of both organizations in order to get things done, and do good things for the community, i have to take a step back. these are STUDENT organizations. they should be held accountable for their progress, or the lack thereof. there's no point in getting angry - the students aren't doing anything on purpose in this case. it's just disappointing. but once again, i'm going to wait it out. eventually everyone comes around, right? at least that's what i'll keep telling myself.

"...and that has made all the difference."

lately i've been trying to think back to exactly one year ago, and all i can do is sigh with relief that i have come so incredibly far in one year's time. i had the opportunity to sit down with a few co-workers today, including the assistant principal of instruction of my school, and discuss what it means to be an effective teacher. i can go on and on about how an effective teacher can deliver clear and concise instruction, can facilitate group practice, can encourage deep discussions and critical thinking, can engage every student in the classroom, can coerce every student into participating, can manage classroom behavior seamlessly... i could discuss those things all day. despite the fact that i have made progress as a teacher in leaps and bounds in the past year, i have not yet mastered all of the tricks of the trade. i have a looooong way to go. i have managed to engage students in course curriculum, as well as analytical discussions, but not every day. i have made gains in tracking my students' progress, but still don't have a system that works for me 100% of the time. i have re-directed and re-directed and re-directed students to keep them on track, and managed to calm a classroom of 30 students with just a fierce look, but this is still not foolproof. i am content because i can do everything better than i did at this time last year, but i am frustrated because i can still not do it perfectly. i am told that there is no "perfectly" when it comes to teaching, but i won't believe that until i am forced to.

in this same group, we also discussed our own experiences in the classroom. everything that we were discussing - effective instruction, student investment, classroom management - kept coming back to building relationships with the individual students. even last year, when i was clueless about everything else, i knew that this would make or break me as a teacher. my (in)ability to relate to my students and gain their trust would determine my, and their, success in the classroom. in order to do this, a teacher must give of themselves. a teacher has to be willing to share a part of himself with the students in order to legitimately expect them to do the same thing. how can i expect my students to write personal poems about where they're from, or memoirs about a poignant moment in their lives, if i cannot share some of my own struggles and triumphs? i can't, and that's just it. many teachers build a wall around themselves in order to keep their professional and personal lives separate, but i can't do that. my personal and professional lives are inextricably intertwined - and not just because the vast majority of my friends these days are also my co-workers and fellow teachers. when it comes down to it, i moved to charlotte in order to start my career in making a difference in the lives of children in a school setting. i think it only makes sense that i continue to focus on that as the central part of my existence here, and then build outward.

my overall attitude towards building these relationships has shifted slightly, though. i am still all about relating to my students on a personal level, and investing them in me in order to invest them in the class... but i am no longer about allowing them to walk all over me and act like crazy people. i feel a million times more confident in front of the classroom, and this is compounded by the fact that i have developed a reputation amongst the students at my school. even the tenth graders who i am teaching this year, who i did not know as ninth graders last year, had at least heard of me. and they had heard good things, which is even better! in one of my classes, i am co-teaching with a first year teacher. i see so much of myself last year in her - the eager-to-please attitude, the letting the kids push you just a little bit further mentality. as much as i feel for her, i want her to go through that process of figuring out where to draw the line. it's more gratifying that way. and in the meantime, it's gratifying for me because i get to be the heavy this year. i get to be the mean one, which is soooo fun! i'm not truly mean, of course, i don't know that i ever could be. but i am much more strict and forthright when it comes to giving directions in regard to behavior. it feels good to have students straighten up and act right just because i tell them to do so.

when it comes down to it, i made the choice to take 'the road less traveled,' if you will. many of my friends from high school and college found jobs that allow them to go out on week nights til all hours and continue to drink like fishes and leave their work on their desks when they leave for the day. the job i have dictates a certain lifestyle, and none of those things can be tolerated. this is not to say that i don't like to go out and have fun... but i can't do it on tuesday and thursday nights (or sundays, mondays or wednesdays for that matter!). i can't leave 100% of work at work because that would take too much of the personal stuff out of it. that personal stuff is absolutely pivotal to my success just because of my own nature and the nature of this job. i don't sit at home patting myself on the back for trying to solve a national problem or taking a position no other person might want... but i do feel pretty proud of myself for the obstacles i've overcome so far, and those that i am still willing to encounter.

5-year plan.

my first actual summer vacation as a teacher (and since junior high, i might add) has come to a close. school is starting up again and i'm both relishing and dreading the idea of having to go back and face the children. all things told, i am a year older and about 10 years wiser than i was last year. i know the inner-workings of the school and have established a rapport with many of the students. when someone asks me for directions on open house night, i'll actually know how to answer him. i know what ideas and attitudes i should continue with this year because of my successes last year, and i know what ideas and attitudes i need to forego immediately in order to more-than-just-survive this year. those are pretty good feelings. but i also have to start waking up at 5 am again, and dealing with student misbehaviors, and planning lesson after lesson, and everything else that comes with being a teacher. those aren't the awesomest of feelings. boo.

the mere fact that i will have built a reputation amongst the students and staff at my school is thrilling. instead of being a new face to mess with, i will be an old face to be wary of. hopefully. my understanding, based on the experience of my older colleagues, year 2 will be a million times easier than year 1 based on that fact alone. i actually know what i'm getting myself into this time around, and i think that will help immensely. considering the way my first year of teaching ended, with a big fight and a student telling me to shut up and the threat of water balloons and saying no to everything and just plain wanting the kids out of my face and out of the building, i am banking on being able to go back into school this year and be much firmer and more professional. i've said this a million times already.. but it's really not going to be about the students liking me, it's going to be about them respecting me. i have to toe that line much better than i did last year. i don't need to be the cool teacher in order to be the successful teacher. period.

i have been having a horrible time trying to sleep these past few nights. teacher work days started on monday, and my sleeping troubles started sunday night. coincidence? probably not. i suppose i'm having some anxiety about waking up at 5 am and seeing some of the most obnoxious of student faces come august 25th, and that manifested itself in my dreams last night. i had a terrible nightmare about how my 11th grade english class played out - i had to miss the first day of classes to deal with problems elsewhere, and when i did go the next day the students were wreaking havoc in the classroom without my co-teacher saying a word to them. then, in my dream, i got cursed out and sexually harassed and physically assaulted and everything else. i stayed firm in my dream, but that didn't make it any more fun to see my co-teacher having a picnic with his family in the corner of the room while all of this was going on. i woke up pissed off, to say the least. i know for sure that my 11th grade class will not (CANNOT!) be that bad, but it just does not make me any more enthusiastic about heading back into the classroom. ugh.

despite my hesitance to throw my hands up and shout with excitement about the start of a new school year, i'm actually planning on staying in this career, and specifically at my school, for quite awhile. i have a 5-year plan, if you will. year 1 down, and now just 4 to go. in these next 4 years, i want to get my teaching license and my masters degree in special education. i also want to inherit the position of department chair for the exceptional children's department. that's a lot to do in 4 years.. but that is what i want. a lot of people at my school expect this to be my last year because i will have fulfilled my teach for america commitment come june, but i don't feel like i can just leave after my 2 years. i owe more to my school, my students and myself. i need to 'continuously increase my effectiveness' as a teacher, as tfa would say. hopefully things will go smoothly enough to keep encouraging me to do just that.