there are only six teaching days left until winter break. six. too many to count on one hand, but still in the single digits. good deal. at this time last year, i had almost reached my breaking point mentally and physically. kicking and screaming and crying all the way, i returned to charlotte after thanksgiving to continue teaching for four more weeks until winter break. this year, the return to charlotte was much less painful. maybe it was because i'm more mature, or more comfortable with my life in charlotte, or the distance between my family and myself. maybe it's because there were only three weeks between that break, and our christmas break. either way, i was pretty proud of myself. when i returned to charlotte, i realized that i was not the only one counting down to our next vacation. as it turns out, so was every other teacher and every single student. teachers were ready to power through those three weeks, but students were ready to snooze through them. quite the dilemma.
a lot has happened in the past few months. i've taken over my first period class because my co-teacher has gone m.i.a. on medical leave. i have been verbally threatened by one of my students. i've been cursed out on several occasions. five or more students have been suspended from school because of their actions in one of my classes. i even made a kid cry. despite all of this, i don't feel all that bad. one of the greatest lessons i have learned thus far is to not take things students do personally. it's a very liberating philosophy. it does not entirely vindicate me of my professional responsibilities, of course. i still hold myself accountable for quality instruction and follow-up with my students. but their actions, or lack of actions, do not dictate my reaction.
many times i have hear the saying, "you can't let them see you sweat." it's so very true. students are psychological geniuses. maybe they're not always so hot on vocabulary quizzes, but they sure can figure out how to push their teachers' buttons. teaching is a perfect example of survival of the fittest - only the strong survive. and they survive by adapting to their environments. more specifically, they learn lessons the hard way and then know what not to do the next time around. last year, i would get frazzled in front of my students, and they would immediately pounce. this year, i wait quietly by until their finished acting foolish. i'm sure some day i'll actually figure out how to avoid the foolishness altogether, but we're talking baby steps here. i try not to raise my voice. i try not to become visibly frustrated or annoyed. i don't take failures to comply with academic or behavioral policies to heart. i just become disappointed. i'm disappointed my students don't always do the right thing, but i'll live and we'll move on to the next objective. disappointment is an emotion that i can wear outwardly without giving anything away that's going on inwardly. in addition, i know that in my own life, disappointment has been my greatest fear. i've always tried to stay on the straight and narrow because i didn't want to disappoint my mother. i don't know if it translates to my students' lives, but i'm hoping so.
the professional organization that i am affiliated with often talks about 'locus of control' - teacher actions dictate student actions. i'm sorry, but i don't see how my actions dictated a student telling me he would 'bust me in my grill.' i don't see how my actions caused one of my students to have 25 absences from my class this semester. i don't see how my actions invite kids to maintain a 34% average in my class. i can see how my lax attendance policy allows kids to come in late sometimes first period, and how my acceptance of late work for partial credit permits students to wait until the last minute to turn in assignments occasionally... but 23 absences? a 34% average? you have to TRY to do those things. those students are serious in their intent to fail, and who am i to stop them? my sarcasm doesn't demonstrate how often i've tried to turn things around for my students who fall into these categories - how many phone calls i've made to parents/guardians, how many make-up assignments i've sent home, how many one-on-one conversations i've had with my students, how many times i've told them how much i care about them and want them to achieve. i want ALL of my students to achieve, even if they want to bust me in my grill sometimes. i'm just not going to take responsibility for 100% of the battle. 50%, maybe even 75%, sure. but not the whole thing. if i do that, what lesson does it teach my students?
i also advise two extracurricular student organizations. this attitude applies outside of the classroom. i am the advisor for the relay for life club. relay for life is the american cancer society's signature event in order to raise money and community awareness for cancer research and the support of cancer patients and their families. this organization is extremely important to me. my grandmother died of pancreatic cancer, one of the deadliest forms of the disease. i am serious in my intent to raise money for this organization in order to help find a cure for cancer. the students i advise are not as serious. the club is more social than anything, and i can tell you that as of right now, we've accomplished next to nothing. the same can be said for the other student organization i co-advise with another teacher. lack of interest and effort on the behalf of the students is causing these organizations to not take off as they could, or even should. as much as i want to spearhead the efforts of both organizations in order to get things done, and do good things for the community, i have to take a step back. these are STUDENT organizations. they should be held accountable for their progress, or the lack thereof. there's no point in getting angry - the students aren't doing anything on purpose in this case. it's just disappointing. but once again, i'm going to wait it out. eventually everyone comes around, right? at least that's what i'll keep telling myself.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
"...and that has made all the difference."
lately i've been trying to think back to exactly one year ago, and all i can do is sigh with relief that i have come so incredibly far in one year's time. i had the opportunity to sit down with a few co-workers today, including the assistant principal of instruction of my school, and discuss what it means to be an effective teacher. i can go on and on about how an effective teacher can deliver clear and concise instruction, can facilitate group practice, can encourage deep discussions and critical thinking, can engage every student in the classroom, can coerce every student into participating, can manage classroom behavior seamlessly... i could discuss those things all day. despite the fact that i have made progress as a teacher in leaps and bounds in the past year, i have not yet mastered all of the tricks of the trade. i have a looooong way to go. i have managed to engage students in course curriculum, as well as analytical discussions, but not every day. i have made gains in tracking my students' progress, but still don't have a system that works for me 100% of the time. i have re-directed and re-directed and re-directed students to keep them on track, and managed to calm a classroom of 30 students with just a fierce look, but this is still not foolproof. i am content because i can do everything better than i did at this time last year, but i am frustrated because i can still not do it perfectly. i am told that there is no "perfectly" when it comes to teaching, but i won't believe that until i am forced to.
in this same group, we also discussed our own experiences in the classroom. everything that we were discussing - effective instruction, student investment, classroom management - kept coming back to building relationships with the individual students. even last year, when i was clueless about everything else, i knew that this would make or break me as a teacher. my (in)ability to relate to my students and gain their trust would determine my, and their, success in the classroom. in order to do this, a teacher must give of themselves. a teacher has to be willing to share a part of himself with the students in order to legitimately expect them to do the same thing. how can i expect my students to write personal poems about where they're from, or memoirs about a poignant moment in their lives, if i cannot share some of my own struggles and triumphs? i can't, and that's just it. many teachers build a wall around themselves in order to keep their professional and personal lives separate, but i can't do that. my personal and professional lives are inextricably intertwined - and not just because the vast majority of my friends these days are also my co-workers and fellow teachers. when it comes down to it, i moved to charlotte in order to start my career in making a difference in the lives of children in a school setting. i think it only makes sense that i continue to focus on that as the central part of my existence here, and then build outward.
my overall attitude towards building these relationships has shifted slightly, though. i am still all about relating to my students on a personal level, and investing them in me in order to invest them in the class... but i am no longer about allowing them to walk all over me and act like crazy people. i feel a million times more confident in front of the classroom, and this is compounded by the fact that i have developed a reputation amongst the students at my school. even the tenth graders who i am teaching this year, who i did not know as ninth graders last year, had at least heard of me. and they had heard good things, which is even better! in one of my classes, i am co-teaching with a first year teacher. i see so much of myself last year in her - the eager-to-please attitude, the letting the kids push you just a little bit further mentality. as much as i feel for her, i want her to go through that process of figuring out where to draw the line. it's more gratifying that way. and in the meantime, it's gratifying for me because i get to be the heavy this year. i get to be the mean one, which is soooo fun! i'm not truly mean, of course, i don't know that i ever could be. but i am much more strict and forthright when it comes to giving directions in regard to behavior. it feels good to have students straighten up and act right just because i tell them to do so.
when it comes down to it, i made the choice to take 'the road less traveled,' if you will. many of my friends from high school and college found jobs that allow them to go out on week nights til all hours and continue to drink like fishes and leave their work on their desks when they leave for the day. the job i have dictates a certain lifestyle, and none of those things can be tolerated. this is not to say that i don't like to go out and have fun... but i can't do it on tuesday and thursday nights (or sundays, mondays or wednesdays for that matter!). i can't leave 100% of work at work because that would take too much of the personal stuff out of it. that personal stuff is absolutely pivotal to my success just because of my own nature and the nature of this job. i don't sit at home patting myself on the back for trying to solve a national problem or taking a position no other person might want... but i do feel pretty proud of myself for the obstacles i've overcome so far, and those that i am still willing to encounter.
in this same group, we also discussed our own experiences in the classroom. everything that we were discussing - effective instruction, student investment, classroom management - kept coming back to building relationships with the individual students. even last year, when i was clueless about everything else, i knew that this would make or break me as a teacher. my (in)ability to relate to my students and gain their trust would determine my, and their, success in the classroom. in order to do this, a teacher must give of themselves. a teacher has to be willing to share a part of himself with the students in order to legitimately expect them to do the same thing. how can i expect my students to write personal poems about where they're from, or memoirs about a poignant moment in their lives, if i cannot share some of my own struggles and triumphs? i can't, and that's just it. many teachers build a wall around themselves in order to keep their professional and personal lives separate, but i can't do that. my personal and professional lives are inextricably intertwined - and not just because the vast majority of my friends these days are also my co-workers and fellow teachers. when it comes down to it, i moved to charlotte in order to start my career in making a difference in the lives of children in a school setting. i think it only makes sense that i continue to focus on that as the central part of my existence here, and then build outward.
my overall attitude towards building these relationships has shifted slightly, though. i am still all about relating to my students on a personal level, and investing them in me in order to invest them in the class... but i am no longer about allowing them to walk all over me and act like crazy people. i feel a million times more confident in front of the classroom, and this is compounded by the fact that i have developed a reputation amongst the students at my school. even the tenth graders who i am teaching this year, who i did not know as ninth graders last year, had at least heard of me. and they had heard good things, which is even better! in one of my classes, i am co-teaching with a first year teacher. i see so much of myself last year in her - the eager-to-please attitude, the letting the kids push you just a little bit further mentality. as much as i feel for her, i want her to go through that process of figuring out where to draw the line. it's more gratifying that way. and in the meantime, it's gratifying for me because i get to be the heavy this year. i get to be the mean one, which is soooo fun! i'm not truly mean, of course, i don't know that i ever could be. but i am much more strict and forthright when it comes to giving directions in regard to behavior. it feels good to have students straighten up and act right just because i tell them to do so.
when it comes down to it, i made the choice to take 'the road less traveled,' if you will. many of my friends from high school and college found jobs that allow them to go out on week nights til all hours and continue to drink like fishes and leave their work on their desks when they leave for the day. the job i have dictates a certain lifestyle, and none of those things can be tolerated. this is not to say that i don't like to go out and have fun... but i can't do it on tuesday and thursday nights (or sundays, mondays or wednesdays for that matter!). i can't leave 100% of work at work because that would take too much of the personal stuff out of it. that personal stuff is absolutely pivotal to my success just because of my own nature and the nature of this job. i don't sit at home patting myself on the back for trying to solve a national problem or taking a position no other person might want... but i do feel pretty proud of myself for the obstacles i've overcome so far, and those that i am still willing to encounter.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
5-year plan.
my first actual summer vacation as a teacher (and since junior high, i might add) has come to a close. school is starting up again and i'm both relishing and dreading the idea of having to go back and face the children. all things told, i am a year older and about 10 years wiser than i was last year. i know the inner-workings of the school and have established a rapport with many of the students. when someone asks me for directions on open house night, i'll actually know how to answer him. i know what ideas and attitudes i should continue with this year because of my successes last year, and i know what ideas and attitudes i need to forego immediately in order to more-than-just-survive this year. those are pretty good feelings. but i also have to start waking up at 5 am again, and dealing with student misbehaviors, and planning lesson after lesson, and everything else that comes with being a teacher. those aren't the awesomest of feelings. boo.
the mere fact that i will have built a reputation amongst the students and staff at my school is thrilling. instead of being a new face to mess with, i will be an old face to be wary of. hopefully. my understanding, based on the experience of my older colleagues, year 2 will be a million times easier than year 1 based on that fact alone. i actually know what i'm getting myself into this time around, and i think that will help immensely. considering the way my first year of teaching ended, with a big fight and a student telling me to shut up and the threat of water balloons and saying no to everything and just plain wanting the kids out of my face and out of the building, i am banking on being able to go back into school this year and be much firmer and more professional. i've said this a million times already.. but it's really not going to be about the students liking me, it's going to be about them respecting me. i have to toe that line much better than i did last year. i don't need to be the cool teacher in order to be the successful teacher. period.
i have been having a horrible time trying to sleep these past few nights. teacher work days started on monday, and my sleeping troubles started sunday night. coincidence? probably not. i suppose i'm having some anxiety about waking up at 5 am and seeing some of the most obnoxious of student faces come august 25th, and that manifested itself in my dreams last night. i had a terrible nightmare about how my 11th grade english class played out - i had to miss the first day of classes to deal with problems elsewhere, and when i did go the next day the students were wreaking havoc in the classroom without my co-teacher saying a word to them. then, in my dream, i got cursed out and sexually harassed and physically assaulted and everything else. i stayed firm in my dream, but that didn't make it any more fun to see my co-teacher having a picnic with his family in the corner of the room while all of this was going on. i woke up pissed off, to say the least. i know for sure that my 11th grade class will not (CANNOT!) be that bad, but it just does not make me any more enthusiastic about heading back into the classroom. ugh.
despite my hesitance to throw my hands up and shout with excitement about the start of a new school year, i'm actually planning on staying in this career, and specifically at my school, for quite awhile. i have a 5-year plan, if you will. year 1 down, and now just 4 to go. in these next 4 years, i want to get my teaching license and my masters degree in special education. i also want to inherit the position of department chair for the exceptional children's department. that's a lot to do in 4 years.. but that is what i want. a lot of people at my school expect this to be my last year because i will have fulfilled my teach for america commitment come june, but i don't feel like i can just leave after my 2 years. i owe more to my school, my students and myself. i need to 'continuously increase my effectiveness' as a teacher, as tfa would say. hopefully things will go smoothly enough to keep encouraging me to do just that.
the mere fact that i will have built a reputation amongst the students and staff at my school is thrilling. instead of being a new face to mess with, i will be an old face to be wary of. hopefully. my understanding, based on the experience of my older colleagues, year 2 will be a million times easier than year 1 based on that fact alone. i actually know what i'm getting myself into this time around, and i think that will help immensely. considering the way my first year of teaching ended, with a big fight and a student telling me to shut up and the threat of water balloons and saying no to everything and just plain wanting the kids out of my face and out of the building, i am banking on being able to go back into school this year and be much firmer and more professional. i've said this a million times already.. but it's really not going to be about the students liking me, it's going to be about them respecting me. i have to toe that line much better than i did last year. i don't need to be the cool teacher in order to be the successful teacher. period.
i have been having a horrible time trying to sleep these past few nights. teacher work days started on monday, and my sleeping troubles started sunday night. coincidence? probably not. i suppose i'm having some anxiety about waking up at 5 am and seeing some of the most obnoxious of student faces come august 25th, and that manifested itself in my dreams last night. i had a terrible nightmare about how my 11th grade english class played out - i had to miss the first day of classes to deal with problems elsewhere, and when i did go the next day the students were wreaking havoc in the classroom without my co-teacher saying a word to them. then, in my dream, i got cursed out and sexually harassed and physically assaulted and everything else. i stayed firm in my dream, but that didn't make it any more fun to see my co-teacher having a picnic with his family in the corner of the room while all of this was going on. i woke up pissed off, to say the least. i know for sure that my 11th grade class will not (CANNOT!) be that bad, but it just does not make me any more enthusiastic about heading back into the classroom. ugh.
despite my hesitance to throw my hands up and shout with excitement about the start of a new school year, i'm actually planning on staying in this career, and specifically at my school, for quite awhile. i have a 5-year plan, if you will. year 1 down, and now just 4 to go. in these next 4 years, i want to get my teaching license and my masters degree in special education. i also want to inherit the position of department chair for the exceptional children's department. that's a lot to do in 4 years.. but that is what i want. a lot of people at my school expect this to be my last year because i will have fulfilled my teach for america commitment come june, but i don't feel like i can just leave after my 2 years. i owe more to my school, my students and myself. i need to 'continuously increase my effectiveness' as a teacher, as tfa would say. hopefully things will go smoothly enough to keep encouraging me to do just that.
Monday, June 23, 2008
15 minutes of fame.
a few weeks ago, i attended the welcome dinner for the 2008 charlotte corps of teach for america teachers. i was overwhelmed by how many new faces were becoming a part of this mission, and by how fresh-looking they are (do i really look as weathered and beaten at just 22 as i feel?!?), and by how many questions they have. wow. i have taken it upon myself to adopt the special education teachers in the bunch because i know how clueless they must be feeling because i remember how clueless i was feeling at that point last year. i expected a few of those future teachers to come up to me and say hi, since we've chatted before, but i found myself speaking with oh so many people. i couldn't understand how these people knew me, or why they at sought me out, but then one of them reminded me of the story i told in an email that was sent out to all of them. it was a story about my first day of second semester with my 11th grade class. during that class, my co-teacher and i came up with the idea (not originally, we borrowed it from freedom writers - totally cliche, i know) to have our kids give a toast to the semester to follow. this is that story:
On the first day of the second semester, I poured a glass of juice for each of my students. I explained to them that it is imperative that they understand the importance of celebrating all victories in life, even small ones, and that making it to the eleventh grade is no small victory. I also explained that what we were going to do that day was to make a toast - a proclamation of where we've come from and where we're going. Inside, I was hoping that this didn't sound too cliché, but outside I was noticing that my kids were nodding in agreement and thinking hard about what they would say. I went first. I said, "First I want to toast to all of you. You're the reason I'm here. I toast to the triumphs and the struggles that have gotten you this far, and to all of those that will keep you going. I also want to toast to myself. I want to toast to being the best instructor, counselor, mentor, listening ear... anything, that I can be, because I want you to succeed." With that, I raised my plastic cup, took a sip of juice, and walked to the back of the classroom. I had my fingers crossed that my students would buy in.
Just like that, one by one, my students stood up and toasted to themselves, individually and as a class, explaining what they've done to get to where they are in life and what they want to do next. It was incredibly moving. The last student, Tyrel, stood and walked to the front. He raised his cup and said, "First of all, I want to toast to you, Ms. Quick, for making us feel so welcomed and loved from Day 1. Next, I want to toast to every student in this classroom because we are here, in eleventh grade. And next year we will be in twelfth grade, and the year after that we'll be in college. And we'll get there together just like we've gotten here together. And last, I want to toast to myself. If it weren't for the hard times, I wouldn't know how to appreciate the good times. I think this is one of those good times. Cheers." Tyrel held his glass up, and the class cheered.
Can you believe that? They actually cheered. It's like what happens in the movies, but it happened in my classroom. Unbelievable! And amazing! My first semester of teaching was rough at some points, but this one moment erased all of that from my mind. This is why I came to Charlotte to teach. These students are why I do what I do. And they are why I'm so hopeful that you will become a part of it too. You will get to have moments like this. They may be shrouded in a few side conversations, an occasional missed assignment and phone calls home, but you will have them. And you will relish them. There really is nothing like the relationship you will develop with your students, and how much it will mean to both you and them. They know deep down, even if they don't always say it, that you're here because they need you. They really do need you.
Think for a moment all of the students who you will impact, because that's what this is about, those students. You will bring smiles to people's faces, you will challenge students for what might be the first time in their lives, and you will bring about change. It does not get better than that, and that is why I am so hopeful that you will come to Charlotte.
i love that story. and i love the fact that i gave my students an opportunity to come full circle by giving a toast to their accomplishments at the end of the semester, as i reference in the last post. and i love that these new, fresh, completely un-jaded corps members eat that stuff up. yes, i feel extremely lucky to have had one of those moments in my classroom. is it true that it completely erased all of the bad times from the school year? no, i still have some emotional scars. but does it overshadow a whole lot of them? yes, absolutely. i truly love all of my students, and i find myself wondering how they're doing without me harassing them on a daily basis. i'm sure they're surviving, just like i am.
i find myself realizing so many things about myself now that i have the opportunity to have removed myself from the school environment. i know so much more about delivering instruction and course content. i understand where my students are coming from much better. i am more confident in my ability to be firm with my students. i know that there is a huge difference between caring about my students and wanting to be their friends, and that it is a very important difference. i know that i can handle a mixed bag of misbehavior in and out of the classroom. i know that i can make co-teaching work. i know i can handle extremely stressful situations, in and out of the classroom. i know that i can make both pleasant and unpleasant phone calls to parents. i know that i can hold important meetings by myself. i know that i can answer questions that students and parents have, and if i cannot, that i can find someone who can for them. basically, i know i can do a whole heck of a lot more things than i ever thought i was capable of. it's a good feeling! i already feel more confident going into my next year of teaching, despite the fact that i have no idea what i may be teaching next year. whatever happens, i figure i can handle it.
one lesson i thought i learned at the beginning of the school year was that, "it's not about you, it's about them" - that it's not about what this job can do for the teacher, but what the teacher can do for her students. i really thought i understood that message, and that i was putting it into practice. nope. i didn't manage to check my ego at the door for the majority of the school year. i wanted the kids to like me too much. i wanted to not have to co-teach so that i could have 100% control over a classroom. i wanted to receive credit for my school's writing scores since i did the vast majority of planning and instruction in one of the classes i taught, who did very, very well on that test. i wanted, i wanted, i wanted. i was being selfish too much. turns out, it doesn't so much matter if my kids actually like me - just that they are respectful. it doesn't so much matter if my job involves co-teaching because co-teaching is proven to help the children both with and without special needs in the class to be much more successful. it doesn't matter if i receive credit for those writing scores, it just matters that my kids get the credit they deserve for working so hard to achieve at such a high level. this is a lesson that i wish i could impart upon the incoming teachers, but i guess i know from experience that that is exactly what it takes, experience, in order to learn this lesson.
On the first day of the second semester, I poured a glass of juice for each of my students. I explained to them that it is imperative that they understand the importance of celebrating all victories in life, even small ones, and that making it to the eleventh grade is no small victory. I also explained that what we were going to do that day was to make a toast - a proclamation of where we've come from and where we're going. Inside, I was hoping that this didn't sound too cliché, but outside I was noticing that my kids were nodding in agreement and thinking hard about what they would say. I went first. I said, "First I want to toast to all of you. You're the reason I'm here. I toast to the triumphs and the struggles that have gotten you this far, and to all of those that will keep you going. I also want to toast to myself. I want to toast to being the best instructor, counselor, mentor, listening ear... anything, that I can be, because I want you to succeed." With that, I raised my plastic cup, took a sip of juice, and walked to the back of the classroom. I had my fingers crossed that my students would buy in.
Just like that, one by one, my students stood up and toasted to themselves, individually and as a class, explaining what they've done to get to where they are in life and what they want to do next. It was incredibly moving. The last student, Tyrel, stood and walked to the front. He raised his cup and said, "First of all, I want to toast to you, Ms. Quick, for making us feel so welcomed and loved from Day 1. Next, I want to toast to every student in this classroom because we are here, in eleventh grade. And next year we will be in twelfth grade, and the year after that we'll be in college. And we'll get there together just like we've gotten here together. And last, I want to toast to myself. If it weren't for the hard times, I wouldn't know how to appreciate the good times. I think this is one of those good times. Cheers." Tyrel held his glass up, and the class cheered.
Can you believe that? They actually cheered. It's like what happens in the movies, but it happened in my classroom. Unbelievable! And amazing! My first semester of teaching was rough at some points, but this one moment erased all of that from my mind. This is why I came to Charlotte to teach. These students are why I do what I do. And they are why I'm so hopeful that you will become a part of it too. You will get to have moments like this. They may be shrouded in a few side conversations, an occasional missed assignment and phone calls home, but you will have them. And you will relish them. There really is nothing like the relationship you will develop with your students, and how much it will mean to both you and them. They know deep down, even if they don't always say it, that you're here because they need you. They really do need you.
Think for a moment all of the students who you will impact, because that's what this is about, those students. You will bring smiles to people's faces, you will challenge students for what might be the first time in their lives, and you will bring about change. It does not get better than that, and that is why I am so hopeful that you will come to Charlotte.
i love that story. and i love the fact that i gave my students an opportunity to come full circle by giving a toast to their accomplishments at the end of the semester, as i reference in the last post. and i love that these new, fresh, completely un-jaded corps members eat that stuff up. yes, i feel extremely lucky to have had one of those moments in my classroom. is it true that it completely erased all of the bad times from the school year? no, i still have some emotional scars. but does it overshadow a whole lot of them? yes, absolutely. i truly love all of my students, and i find myself wondering how they're doing without me harassing them on a daily basis. i'm sure they're surviving, just like i am.
i find myself realizing so many things about myself now that i have the opportunity to have removed myself from the school environment. i know so much more about delivering instruction and course content. i understand where my students are coming from much better. i am more confident in my ability to be firm with my students. i know that there is a huge difference between caring about my students and wanting to be their friends, and that it is a very important difference. i know that i can handle a mixed bag of misbehavior in and out of the classroom. i know that i can make co-teaching work. i know i can handle extremely stressful situations, in and out of the classroom. i know that i can make both pleasant and unpleasant phone calls to parents. i know that i can hold important meetings by myself. i know that i can answer questions that students and parents have, and if i cannot, that i can find someone who can for them. basically, i know i can do a whole heck of a lot more things than i ever thought i was capable of. it's a good feeling! i already feel more confident going into my next year of teaching, despite the fact that i have no idea what i may be teaching next year. whatever happens, i figure i can handle it.
one lesson i thought i learned at the beginning of the school year was that, "it's not about you, it's about them" - that it's not about what this job can do for the teacher, but what the teacher can do for her students. i really thought i understood that message, and that i was putting it into practice. nope. i didn't manage to check my ego at the door for the majority of the school year. i wanted the kids to like me too much. i wanted to not have to co-teach so that i could have 100% control over a classroom. i wanted to receive credit for my school's writing scores since i did the vast majority of planning and instruction in one of the classes i taught, who did very, very well on that test. i wanted, i wanted, i wanted. i was being selfish too much. turns out, it doesn't so much matter if my kids actually like me - just that they are respectful. it doesn't so much matter if my job involves co-teaching because co-teaching is proven to help the children both with and without special needs in the class to be much more successful. it doesn't matter if i receive credit for those writing scores, it just matters that my kids get the credit they deserve for working so hard to achieve at such a high level. this is a lesson that i wish i could impart upon the incoming teachers, but i guess i know from experience that that is exactly what it takes, experience, in order to learn this lesson.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
what a long, strange trip it has been..
survival (noun): the act or fact of surviving, especially under adverse or unusual circumstances. yeah, that sounds about right. my first real day of teaching was august 27, 2008. right now that seems like eons ago. i don't really remember anything about that day. i remember two days later when my third period class had me in tears, and i remember being told by colleagues that special education teachers are not real teachers. but the thing is, i also remember one of my students saying that i was the first teacher who he actually wanted to try for, and one of my kids asking me to adopt him.
"my kids." it's really kind of a funny concept. though not physically possible, i absolutely take ownership over all of the kids whom i have taught or advocated for over the course of this past year. that's well over one hundred children. dear god. i remember going home for the first time at the holidays and talking to friends from high school, whom i hadn't talked to in years, about what i was doing with my life. i made comments about "my kids," assuming they would just understand just like all of my (teacher) friends here understand. instead they stood there with their mouths agape, wondering if i had had not just one child, but multiple children, since they had last heard of me. well, i didn't give birth to these kids but i do love them and claim them. i went home for a weekend recently, and i was being very mature and reflective while talking to my cousin about my impact as a teacher and the emotions that are involved. (*note: admittedly, i was in a very positive frame of mind at that time, but everything i said still stands.) i realized that i am absolutely head-over-heels in love with my kids, in a completely appropriate way of course. i feel their pain like it's my pain, i celebrate their successes like they're my own. and then i wondered what it will be like when i have my own children? it will be even more intense, and that's just scary. first of all, i'm not ready for my own kids. second of all, that is a crazy amount of emotional investment in one person. whoa.
now that this school year is coming to a close, i've been looking back to figure out if i've really made an impact on my kids. of course i like to think that i have, and in a dream world they would all run up to me and tell me what a difference i've made in their lives and what an inspiration i am. but in real life, i'm dealing with somewhat fickle teenagers. at least that's what i keep telling myself to feel better. as i've stated previously, i'm not so good with the quantitative data. i generally know where all my kids stand and what i need to do to help them improve. on top of teaching them things about english, i also try to impart some wisdom about life. i do that in hopes of instilling in them greater self-worth and self-confidence. i would like to think i've been successful. on the last day of my most enjoyable class this semester, i stood back and listened to them individually reflect upon the semester. they spoke about what they learned and the relationships they forged, and they talked about how they appreciated their teacher - but not me so much, my co-teacher. i stood there and told myself it's because he's leaving our school to teach elsewhere and i'll be back and they'll see me and it's not the same and their appreciation is just implicit and i'm being hyper-analytical, etc. i don't know that i've ever felt so small. it hurt so bad because i know that i am the one who did the majority of the work involved with the actual instruction related to the curriculum, and i did a bang up job. but in the end, that's not what they cared about the most. they cared about the times my co-teacher spent preaching about matters unrelated to american literature. don't get me wrong, i also value some of the time that was spent providing guidance to our 17 year old students about the way life could and should be for them... but i particularly value instruction. it's just that i think those positive messages about life should come out in an academically relevant way. i know my kids learned something from me, several somethings, but i wanted to hear it directly from them. i wanted to know that they appreciated everything i did to make them think critically and creatively. but once again, i'm dealing with somewhat fickle teenagers who have many other things on their minds other than american lit.
this is what brings me to the much anticipated teacher philosophy i will live by number six (courtesy of my mother): "the popular teachers aren't always the best teachers." maybe i'm telling myself this just to feel better about myself, and i will admit that my self-esteem could use a boost, but i think that's true. students probably enjoy not being pushed beyond their means because it means they can just sit there and socialize or sleep. but on the flipside of that, i also truly believe that students do like to be pushed and challenged and broken down to be built up again. that is how i want to be remembered. it's sooo cliche, but it's also so true. to be the teacher who pushed her students to do more than they thought they could, and to help them to realize that they're capable of much more than they were aware of is an awesome feat. teachers who actually do those kinds of things aren't recognized or appreciated until like, 20 years down the road though. so what i'm going to do - my "next step," if you will - is to stay in touch with these kids in order to find out if i was that kind of teacher for them. possible? yes. probable? no. but i'll still try. that's why they invented the myspace, right?
there is one student who has extra made me feel small and helpless and useless this year, and that is my absolute favorite student. some may read this and say, "but you're not supposed to have favorite students; that's wrong!" to which i respond, oh please. well, this student of mine came to school less and less this past semester until he just stopped coming at all. i tried so hard to get him to come after school to make up time and work so that he could pass, but in the end, i could not want him to be educated more than he did. he would have to do it for himself. and he didn't. it's killing me. the one student who i tried the hardest with, both academically and psychologically, dropped out. he gave up everything that he had done, that we had done, and dropped out. i know that i should not take this personal, and that ultimately he is only hurting himself. but i am hurting too. i feel like i failed him - that i didn't push hard enough or say the right things. somewhere along the line, i did him a disservice. logically, i know that there are 16 years of his life that i was completely uninvolved in and that have also brought him to this point, but i can't help claiming responsibility for all of it just like i claim responsibility for him as one of my kids.
if i could teach my students one lesson in life that i think would benefit them for the rest of their lives, unrelated to english literature, it would be to appreciate what you have. not take advantage of what you have, not use what you have - or don't have - as an excuse, but genuinely appreciate what you have. they need to learn to appreciate the teachers who are caring and devoted instead of attempting to test their limits and run them down. they need to learn to appreciate the people who are earnest and devoted in their attempts to make students successful instead of writing them off. they need to fulfill their duties as students and citizens to attain an excellent education and then go out into the world and use it. ultimately, they need to understand that there is always someone who has it worse. they could have a teacher who puts movies in every day, or who gives them elementary school worksheets in high school. they could be in a worse school with worse resources. it can always be worse, unfortunately. but it's not, and that's what they need to understand.
"my kids." it's really kind of a funny concept. though not physically possible, i absolutely take ownership over all of the kids whom i have taught or advocated for over the course of this past year. that's well over one hundred children. dear god. i remember going home for the first time at the holidays and talking to friends from high school, whom i hadn't talked to in years, about what i was doing with my life. i made comments about "my kids," assuming they would just understand just like all of my (teacher) friends here understand. instead they stood there with their mouths agape, wondering if i had had not just one child, but multiple children, since they had last heard of me. well, i didn't give birth to these kids but i do love them and claim them. i went home for a weekend recently, and i was being very mature and reflective while talking to my cousin about my impact as a teacher and the emotions that are involved. (*note: admittedly, i was in a very positive frame of mind at that time, but everything i said still stands.) i realized that i am absolutely head-over-heels in love with my kids, in a completely appropriate way of course. i feel their pain like it's my pain, i celebrate their successes like they're my own. and then i wondered what it will be like when i have my own children? it will be even more intense, and that's just scary. first of all, i'm not ready for my own kids. second of all, that is a crazy amount of emotional investment in one person. whoa.
now that this school year is coming to a close, i've been looking back to figure out if i've really made an impact on my kids. of course i like to think that i have, and in a dream world they would all run up to me and tell me what a difference i've made in their lives and what an inspiration i am. but in real life, i'm dealing with somewhat fickle teenagers. at least that's what i keep telling myself to feel better. as i've stated previously, i'm not so good with the quantitative data. i generally know where all my kids stand and what i need to do to help them improve. on top of teaching them things about english, i also try to impart some wisdom about life. i do that in hopes of instilling in them greater self-worth and self-confidence. i would like to think i've been successful. on the last day of my most enjoyable class this semester, i stood back and listened to them individually reflect upon the semester. they spoke about what they learned and the relationships they forged, and they talked about how they appreciated their teacher - but not me so much, my co-teacher. i stood there and told myself it's because he's leaving our school to teach elsewhere and i'll be back and they'll see me and it's not the same and their appreciation is just implicit and i'm being hyper-analytical, etc. i don't know that i've ever felt so small. it hurt so bad because i know that i am the one who did the majority of the work involved with the actual instruction related to the curriculum, and i did a bang up job. but in the end, that's not what they cared about the most. they cared about the times my co-teacher spent preaching about matters unrelated to american literature. don't get me wrong, i also value some of the time that was spent providing guidance to our 17 year old students about the way life could and should be for them... but i particularly value instruction. it's just that i think those positive messages about life should come out in an academically relevant way. i know my kids learned something from me, several somethings, but i wanted to hear it directly from them. i wanted to know that they appreciated everything i did to make them think critically and creatively. but once again, i'm dealing with somewhat fickle teenagers who have many other things on their minds other than american lit.
this is what brings me to the much anticipated teacher philosophy i will live by number six (courtesy of my mother): "the popular teachers aren't always the best teachers." maybe i'm telling myself this just to feel better about myself, and i will admit that my self-esteem could use a boost, but i think that's true. students probably enjoy not being pushed beyond their means because it means they can just sit there and socialize or sleep. but on the flipside of that, i also truly believe that students do like to be pushed and challenged and broken down to be built up again. that is how i want to be remembered. it's sooo cliche, but it's also so true. to be the teacher who pushed her students to do more than they thought they could, and to help them to realize that they're capable of much more than they were aware of is an awesome feat. teachers who actually do those kinds of things aren't recognized or appreciated until like, 20 years down the road though. so what i'm going to do - my "next step," if you will - is to stay in touch with these kids in order to find out if i was that kind of teacher for them. possible? yes. probable? no. but i'll still try. that's why they invented the myspace, right?
there is one student who has extra made me feel small and helpless and useless this year, and that is my absolute favorite student. some may read this and say, "but you're not supposed to have favorite students; that's wrong!" to which i respond, oh please. well, this student of mine came to school less and less this past semester until he just stopped coming at all. i tried so hard to get him to come after school to make up time and work so that he could pass, but in the end, i could not want him to be educated more than he did. he would have to do it for himself. and he didn't. it's killing me. the one student who i tried the hardest with, both academically and psychologically, dropped out. he gave up everything that he had done, that we had done, and dropped out. i know that i should not take this personal, and that ultimately he is only hurting himself. but i am hurting too. i feel like i failed him - that i didn't push hard enough or say the right things. somewhere along the line, i did him a disservice. logically, i know that there are 16 years of his life that i was completely uninvolved in and that have also brought him to this point, but i can't help claiming responsibility for all of it just like i claim responsibility for him as one of my kids.
if i could teach my students one lesson in life that i think would benefit them for the rest of their lives, unrelated to english literature, it would be to appreciate what you have. not take advantage of what you have, not use what you have - or don't have - as an excuse, but genuinely appreciate what you have. they need to learn to appreciate the teachers who are caring and devoted instead of attempting to test their limits and run them down. they need to learn to appreciate the people who are earnest and devoted in their attempts to make students successful instead of writing them off. they need to fulfill their duties as students and citizens to attain an excellent education and then go out into the world and use it. ultimately, they need to understand that there is always someone who has it worse. they could have a teacher who puts movies in every day, or who gives them elementary school worksheets in high school. they could be in a worse school with worse resources. it can always be worse, unfortunately. but it's not, and that's what they need to understand.
Monday, March 31, 2008
warning: system failure.
i know that one of the reasons i'm doing what i'm doing is because the students are ridiculously underserved. it's just ridiculous to me that they are underserved by the administrators who have the most knowledge about their struggles and the most access to a variety of resources to help them. i'm sorry if this was naive or ignorant or whatever, but i expected that people who are professional educators are generally in it for the kids. they have their best interests at heart. i'm starting to not believe that any more. call it disillusionment, or call it enlightenment. either way, it sucks.
not just one, but several of the high schools in my school district handpick children to be placed in classes in tested areas. there are 5 classes with state mandated tests that count towards the students' graduation requirements. on top of that, there are state tests for other classes that still count toward the schools' annual yearly progress, and overall image. the big 5 are algebra 1, english 1, geometry, civics and economics and biology. others are chemistry, algebra 2, physics, u.s. history and physical science. on top of these classes, there are other electives and more remediated classes that do not require state tests. so basically, kids who are not almost guaranteed to pass the state tests based on their past performances are not placed in those classes. they are not given the chance to learn at a higher level, or to challenge themselves to perform. awesome. we're letting our kids down by failing to have high expectations for them. we actually have really low expectations for them, and we're letting them know that by denying them entry to difficult classes. jerks.
on top of failing our kids, we're also failing our teachers. at one high school in the district, teachers are being moved around like chess pieces according to so-called "data" and student needs. ummm, students need to have their teachers switched mid-semester? i don't think so. students need consistency and to feel valued. neither of those scenarios occur when you yank their teacher. and that situation doesn't exactly encourage the teacher to be motivated in his or her next classroom, especially when they were not originally given his or her own classroom, or he or she had already had his or her classes switched once before during the school year. jerks!
i would really love to believe that curriculums and tests are developed in order to push our kids to succeed. i would love to believe that everyone has their best interests and futures at heart, and take into consideration a diverse student population - in relation to race, ethnicity, culture, religion, socioeconomic status, etc. - but i'm not convinced that is true. standardized tests ask questions using vocabulary that my students have never encountered and about situations they've never encountered. no matter what you say, i'll never believe that british literature is what is truly relevant to high school seniors right now. students who have special needs generally get the shaft in relation to classes and testing. once again, jerks.
maybe i'm oversensitive or overreacting or something, but most of my students don't know to question the system or to be upset about these things. i'm going to have to do it for them.
let's move on to more positive experiences... i was asked to speak at a recent professional development about one of my student's academic progress so far. i have not yet figured out a solid method for tracking progress towards mastering english objectives since they are written so ambiguously, so i don't really have any quantitative data. well, the group i was supposed to speak in front of is extremely data-driven, so i was nervous that my students' success stories wouldn't be good enough. i mean, the fact that tamez now capitalizes words correctly most of the time is a huuuuge deal to me. the fact that quanesha displays a more positive attitude is a huuuuuuge deal to me. the fact that brittney held a very mature, not to mention grammatically correct, 5+ minute conversation with my family is a huuuuuuuuuuge deal to me. but who else would care about these things? they don't know my students, they don't understand that these are big deals.
on friday, i found my story. one of my students is on the autism spectrum. though he is academically gifted, he has extreme social anxiety and a very difficult time with oral expression. no matter, though. he is still required to give a senior exit presentation about an argumentative research paper he wrote last year in front of a panel of judges. i knew going into the semester that this was going to be a challenge, and i was under the impression that no accommodations or modifications could be made to the presentation itself even if a student had special needs. i helped david to prepare a 6 minute speech on his topic and gave him ideas for a product to go along with it. i gave him advice about how to make eye contact with his audience and when to make pauses. we practiced every day for a month to get him ready for the worst case scenario - presenting in front of a panel of strangers. meanwhile, i was attempting to contact the district coordinator of the senior exit project to explain the situation and ask if anything could be done to meet my student's needs. ta da! there was. i finally heard back. i had two options. 1) david could present in front of the regular panel, without letting them know david has autism, and then i could adjust his grade accordingly, or 2) david could present to a panel of people with whom he is familiar, and that panel could give him a grade based on the same guidelines as the regular panel. option 2 is in david's best interest, and it helped to restore my faith in the system, if even just a wee bit. on friday, david presented his 6 minute speech in front of his special education case manager, his study skills teacher, myself and another teacher with whom he is familiar. he did an awesome job! he made eye contact with the audience, he asked questions to get the audience involved, he paused in appropriate places and came up with a very good product. using the state rubric, our panel decided that he deserved a 4/4 for his presentation. we were able to meet his needs as well as evaluate him fairly. for once, the system worked to a student's advantage. well done, folks, well done.
not just one, but several of the high schools in my school district handpick children to be placed in classes in tested areas. there are 5 classes with state mandated tests that count towards the students' graduation requirements. on top of that, there are state tests for other classes that still count toward the schools' annual yearly progress, and overall image. the big 5 are algebra 1, english 1, geometry, civics and economics and biology. others are chemistry, algebra 2, physics, u.s. history and physical science. on top of these classes, there are other electives and more remediated classes that do not require state tests. so basically, kids who are not almost guaranteed to pass the state tests based on their past performances are not placed in those classes. they are not given the chance to learn at a higher level, or to challenge themselves to perform. awesome. we're letting our kids down by failing to have high expectations for them. we actually have really low expectations for them, and we're letting them know that by denying them entry to difficult classes. jerks.
on top of failing our kids, we're also failing our teachers. at one high school in the district, teachers are being moved around like chess pieces according to so-called "data" and student needs. ummm, students need to have their teachers switched mid-semester? i don't think so. students need consistency and to feel valued. neither of those scenarios occur when you yank their teacher. and that situation doesn't exactly encourage the teacher to be motivated in his or her next classroom, especially when they were not originally given his or her own classroom, or he or she had already had his or her classes switched once before during the school year. jerks!
i would really love to believe that curriculums and tests are developed in order to push our kids to succeed. i would love to believe that everyone has their best interests and futures at heart, and take into consideration a diverse student population - in relation to race, ethnicity, culture, religion, socioeconomic status, etc. - but i'm not convinced that is true. standardized tests ask questions using vocabulary that my students have never encountered and about situations they've never encountered. no matter what you say, i'll never believe that british literature is what is truly relevant to high school seniors right now. students who have special needs generally get the shaft in relation to classes and testing. once again, jerks.
maybe i'm oversensitive or overreacting or something, but most of my students don't know to question the system or to be upset about these things. i'm going to have to do it for them.
let's move on to more positive experiences... i was asked to speak at a recent professional development about one of my student's academic progress so far. i have not yet figured out a solid method for tracking progress towards mastering english objectives since they are written so ambiguously, so i don't really have any quantitative data. well, the group i was supposed to speak in front of is extremely data-driven, so i was nervous that my students' success stories wouldn't be good enough. i mean, the fact that tamez now capitalizes words correctly most of the time is a huuuuge deal to me. the fact that quanesha displays a more positive attitude is a huuuuuuge deal to me. the fact that brittney held a very mature, not to mention grammatically correct, 5+ minute conversation with my family is a huuuuuuuuuuge deal to me. but who else would care about these things? they don't know my students, they don't understand that these are big deals.
on friday, i found my story. one of my students is on the autism spectrum. though he is academically gifted, he has extreme social anxiety and a very difficult time with oral expression. no matter, though. he is still required to give a senior exit presentation about an argumentative research paper he wrote last year in front of a panel of judges. i knew going into the semester that this was going to be a challenge, and i was under the impression that no accommodations or modifications could be made to the presentation itself even if a student had special needs. i helped david to prepare a 6 minute speech on his topic and gave him ideas for a product to go along with it. i gave him advice about how to make eye contact with his audience and when to make pauses. we practiced every day for a month to get him ready for the worst case scenario - presenting in front of a panel of strangers. meanwhile, i was attempting to contact the district coordinator of the senior exit project to explain the situation and ask if anything could be done to meet my student's needs. ta da! there was. i finally heard back. i had two options. 1) david could present in front of the regular panel, without letting them know david has autism, and then i could adjust his grade accordingly, or 2) david could present to a panel of people with whom he is familiar, and that panel could give him a grade based on the same guidelines as the regular panel. option 2 is in david's best interest, and it helped to restore my faith in the system, if even just a wee bit. on friday, david presented his 6 minute speech in front of his special education case manager, his study skills teacher, myself and another teacher with whom he is familiar. he did an awesome job! he made eye contact with the audience, he asked questions to get the audience involved, he paused in appropriate places and came up with a very good product. using the state rubric, our panel decided that he deserved a 4/4 for his presentation. we were able to meet his needs as well as evaluate him fairly. for once, the system worked to a student's advantage. well done, folks, well done.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
one person really can make a difference.
the old adage is true: one person really and truly can make a difference. i learned this the hard way today. one of my students failed his core academy class, which means that he does not meet the continuation requirements to stay at our school, which means that he will be sent back to his home school, which means he will get even more lost in the shuffle, which means he will get himself into more trouble, which means he will fall more behind, which means he's a million times more likely to drop out, which means he's much less likely to make something of his life. this one child has made me feel sick to my stomach because it's as if i have failed him. did i not stress the importance of school work enough? did i not push him hard enough? did i not get on him for being lazy enough? did i not come across as enough of an authority figure? did i talk to him about things unrelated to school too much?
ultimately, it was his responsibility to pass his construction class. it's his education and he needs to choose whether or not to obtain it. i've already graduated from high school. he clearly needs a kick in the pants to get him to do anything. but he spends more of his time complaining about being 'bored' than he does trying to make anything of himself academically. it's so frustrating to me. and it's even more frustrating to me that i didn't do enough about it at the time. i found out when it was already too late and he's already failed the class. this one student has got my stomach all tied up in knots. one student. i come across failing grades every day, and it doesn't make me feel this way. hell, i give out failing grades nearly every day and it doesn't make me feel this way. why this one time? why this one student?
the students got their first semester report cards today, which is what has caused this mess of emotions i'm experiencing. i am blown away by the fact that students really and truly believe that grades just magically fall from the sky and land on their report card. like they've just appeared out of nowhere and the students have done nothing to conjure them up. what?! seriously?! i don't care how hard it is to calculate percentages and averages and all that crap; if you consistently receive bad grades on assignments, and consistently fail to turn in assignments, how can you honestly expect anything more than a failing grade in that class? i mean, really. teachers don't give out grades like candy and they don't just put something on paper to make their students upset. they don't want those kids back in their classroom the following semester or school year, so they want to pass them if they can! students earn their grades, good or bad. for goodness sake! i don't get it when students get all nervous before report cards, worrying what it's going to say. you should know what it's going to say because you know better than anyone else what your grades were like all semester. gah!
the one thing in the world that i cannot stand is when people make excuses for themselves. i have one student who has a different excuse every single day for why he doesn't have his work done, or why he can't participate, or why he doesn't know how to do the assignment, or any other possible scenario that could potentially come up. don't worry, this kid thinks he knows how to get out of it. child, you have no idea. but the thing is, it's not just this one child. it's not just children in general. it's everyone. when did it become ok to make excuses for ourselves in order to pretend like what we've done or not done is fine? i don't mean to paint a picture of myself as any kind of saint, because i am clearly not, but i grew up in a so-called broken home. we didn't have any money. and yet somehow i never got into trouble, i earned good grades, i got enough sleep at night, i listened to adults. i didn't make excuses for myself, though other people might have expected me to, or let me get away with things. it's ridiculous that this kid lives in a world where he has come to believe that he'll really get away with this. no, kid, with me as your teacher. today he was drawing on his notebook instead of doing work, and when i prompted him to get to the assignment he told me he was "still contemplating it." i took his notebook and told him that i'd remove his distraction so he could stop "contemplating" and get right to work. he then had the excuse to not do work of me having his notebook. clearly he can't do his work (that was on a separate piece of paper) without his notebook! how dare i! umm, no. sorry. you will not win this battle in my classroom. what is it? rule # 76: no excuses. play like a champion. WORD.
i think the reason that i am upset about that one student so much is because i know that i care more than he does. i am way more concerned about him receiving a high school diploma, and good grades all the way through high school, than he might ever be. but how do you teach that? how do you teach someone to be intrinsically motivated? no one taught me to want to get good grades or to want to get into a good college, i just wanted those things for myself. i don't know how to convey this type of message and that has got me all the more frustrated. i don't know how to explain to him what his responsibility as a student is and how he needs to step up to the plate. i'm afraid he'll continue to just be 'bored' all the time and really just let his education go down the tubes. i'm very, very afraid about what all of this could mean. and just for this one person.
ultimately, it was his responsibility to pass his construction class. it's his education and he needs to choose whether or not to obtain it. i've already graduated from high school. he clearly needs a kick in the pants to get him to do anything. but he spends more of his time complaining about being 'bored' than he does trying to make anything of himself academically. it's so frustrating to me. and it's even more frustrating to me that i didn't do enough about it at the time. i found out when it was already too late and he's already failed the class. this one student has got my stomach all tied up in knots. one student. i come across failing grades every day, and it doesn't make me feel this way. hell, i give out failing grades nearly every day and it doesn't make me feel this way. why this one time? why this one student?
the students got their first semester report cards today, which is what has caused this mess of emotions i'm experiencing. i am blown away by the fact that students really and truly believe that grades just magically fall from the sky and land on their report card. like they've just appeared out of nowhere and the students have done nothing to conjure them up. what?! seriously?! i don't care how hard it is to calculate percentages and averages and all that crap; if you consistently receive bad grades on assignments, and consistently fail to turn in assignments, how can you honestly expect anything more than a failing grade in that class? i mean, really. teachers don't give out grades like candy and they don't just put something on paper to make their students upset. they don't want those kids back in their classroom the following semester or school year, so they want to pass them if they can! students earn their grades, good or bad. for goodness sake! i don't get it when students get all nervous before report cards, worrying what it's going to say. you should know what it's going to say because you know better than anyone else what your grades were like all semester. gah!
the one thing in the world that i cannot stand is when people make excuses for themselves. i have one student who has a different excuse every single day for why he doesn't have his work done, or why he can't participate, or why he doesn't know how to do the assignment, or any other possible scenario that could potentially come up. don't worry, this kid thinks he knows how to get out of it. child, you have no idea. but the thing is, it's not just this one child. it's not just children in general. it's everyone. when did it become ok to make excuses for ourselves in order to pretend like what we've done or not done is fine? i don't mean to paint a picture of myself as any kind of saint, because i am clearly not, but i grew up in a so-called broken home. we didn't have any money. and yet somehow i never got into trouble, i earned good grades, i got enough sleep at night, i listened to adults. i didn't make excuses for myself, though other people might have expected me to, or let me get away with things. it's ridiculous that this kid lives in a world where he has come to believe that he'll really get away with this. no, kid, with me as your teacher. today he was drawing on his notebook instead of doing work, and when i prompted him to get to the assignment he told me he was "still contemplating it." i took his notebook and told him that i'd remove his distraction so he could stop "contemplating" and get right to work. he then had the excuse to not do work of me having his notebook. clearly he can't do his work (that was on a separate piece of paper) without his notebook! how dare i! umm, no. sorry. you will not win this battle in my classroom. what is it? rule # 76: no excuses. play like a champion. WORD.
i think the reason that i am upset about that one student so much is because i know that i care more than he does. i am way more concerned about him receiving a high school diploma, and good grades all the way through high school, than he might ever be. but how do you teach that? how do you teach someone to be intrinsically motivated? no one taught me to want to get good grades or to want to get into a good college, i just wanted those things for myself. i don't know how to convey this type of message and that has got me all the more frustrated. i don't know how to explain to him what his responsibility as a student is and how he needs to step up to the plate. i'm afraid he'll continue to just be 'bored' all the time and really just let his education go down the tubes. i'm very, very afraid about what all of this could mean. and just for this one person.
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