"...and that has made all the difference."

lately i've been trying to think back to exactly one year ago, and all i can do is sigh with relief that i have come so incredibly far in one year's time. i had the opportunity to sit down with a few co-workers today, including the assistant principal of instruction of my school, and discuss what it means to be an effective teacher. i can go on and on about how an effective teacher can deliver clear and concise instruction, can facilitate group practice, can encourage deep discussions and critical thinking, can engage every student in the classroom, can coerce every student into participating, can manage classroom behavior seamlessly... i could discuss those things all day. despite the fact that i have made progress as a teacher in leaps and bounds in the past year, i have not yet mastered all of the tricks of the trade. i have a looooong way to go. i have managed to engage students in course curriculum, as well as analytical discussions, but not every day. i have made gains in tracking my students' progress, but still don't have a system that works for me 100% of the time. i have re-directed and re-directed and re-directed students to keep them on track, and managed to calm a classroom of 30 students with just a fierce look, but this is still not foolproof. i am content because i can do everything better than i did at this time last year, but i am frustrated because i can still not do it perfectly. i am told that there is no "perfectly" when it comes to teaching, but i won't believe that until i am forced to.

in this same group, we also discussed our own experiences in the classroom. everything that we were discussing - effective instruction, student investment, classroom management - kept coming back to building relationships with the individual students. even last year, when i was clueless about everything else, i knew that this would make or break me as a teacher. my (in)ability to relate to my students and gain their trust would determine my, and their, success in the classroom. in order to do this, a teacher must give of themselves. a teacher has to be willing to share a part of himself with the students in order to legitimately expect them to do the same thing. how can i expect my students to write personal poems about where they're from, or memoirs about a poignant moment in their lives, if i cannot share some of my own struggles and triumphs? i can't, and that's just it. many teachers build a wall around themselves in order to keep their professional and personal lives separate, but i can't do that. my personal and professional lives are inextricably intertwined - and not just because the vast majority of my friends these days are also my co-workers and fellow teachers. when it comes down to it, i moved to charlotte in order to start my career in making a difference in the lives of children in a school setting. i think it only makes sense that i continue to focus on that as the central part of my existence here, and then build outward.

my overall attitude towards building these relationships has shifted slightly, though. i am still all about relating to my students on a personal level, and investing them in me in order to invest them in the class... but i am no longer about allowing them to walk all over me and act like crazy people. i feel a million times more confident in front of the classroom, and this is compounded by the fact that i have developed a reputation amongst the students at my school. even the tenth graders who i am teaching this year, who i did not know as ninth graders last year, had at least heard of me. and they had heard good things, which is even better! in one of my classes, i am co-teaching with a first year teacher. i see so much of myself last year in her - the eager-to-please attitude, the letting the kids push you just a little bit further mentality. as much as i feel for her, i want her to go through that process of figuring out where to draw the line. it's more gratifying that way. and in the meantime, it's gratifying for me because i get to be the heavy this year. i get to be the mean one, which is soooo fun! i'm not truly mean, of course, i don't know that i ever could be. but i am much more strict and forthright when it comes to giving directions in regard to behavior. it feels good to have students straighten up and act right just because i tell them to do so.

when it comes down to it, i made the choice to take 'the road less traveled,' if you will. many of my friends from high school and college found jobs that allow them to go out on week nights til all hours and continue to drink like fishes and leave their work on their desks when they leave for the day. the job i have dictates a certain lifestyle, and none of those things can be tolerated. this is not to say that i don't like to go out and have fun... but i can't do it on tuesday and thursday nights (or sundays, mondays or wednesdays for that matter!). i can't leave 100% of work at work because that would take too much of the personal stuff out of it. that personal stuff is absolutely pivotal to my success just because of my own nature and the nature of this job. i don't sit at home patting myself on the back for trying to solve a national problem or taking a position no other person might want... but i do feel pretty proud of myself for the obstacles i've overcome so far, and those that i am still willing to encounter.